Finale Previews: It Is *On*! Hootie Love vs. the Red Baron vs. the Stolid Mennonite Farmer from the Far Side Cartoon

Hall Feels Her Oats, Wins: It’s a Hootie Nation, Possums; We Just Live in It

Dale Levitski and Brian MFMalarkey Have a Hot Tub Discussion About Which of Them Will Be on Top and Who Will Join Them

Or so Dale tells Gina at Buddy TV:

When we were in like the final six, Brian and I were sitting in the hot tub kind of making our predictions, and we kind of figured that would be the final four. Nothing against either C.J. or Sara, but that’s kind of just the way things were going, and I think if anything, of this entire season, I think I’ve stuck in there as the underdog. Up until this point, I’ve maybe been cooking at fifty percent of my ability. I had not cooked in a really long time before I did the show, so I was frustrated every day because it was like running in quicksand.

This being Gay Days of Our Lives, it goes without saying that Dale met Top Chef while on the rebound. Dale recounts how, as a self-described unemployed prima donna, "my boyfriend dumped me so I asked my mom for a plane ticket to L.A. and I auditioned for Top Chef and I got on the show." Is it wrong that this story somehow makes us think of Sharon Gless in Queer As Folk?

Finally, Dale asks --without coming right out and asking--that people vote for him for fan favorite in order to pay his rent. We wholeheartedly want Dale to win fan favorite, and would like officially to endorse him, but before we do, we must--in order to comply with electoral law and rules about soft money and advocacy ads--get approval of our campaign ad from Dale himself. So Dale, possum, if you read this, get in touch with us. We want you saying, "My name is Dale Levitski, and I approve this ad."

Willows Whiten, Aspen Quivers as the Lady and the Shallots Come to Town: "Top Chef" Semifinal Gets Underway

Snack is reporting that the remaining cast and crew of Top Chef are reconvening in Aspen, Colorado, to film the show's semifinal.

Earlier, Tom Colicchio told Lesley at Eater LA that he would be in Los Angeles "until we tape the final show. The reveal is live, we taped everything up until that. We haven't told them who won yet."

This seems to be a little bit of a contradiction, but perhaps it's just a question of semantics, finale vs. semifinal.

At any rate, Snack, reporting that Tre Wilcox has been on vacation in New York, seems to imply that Tre is participating in the semifinal/finale. We can't say we're surprised.

Update: Apparently some kind of filming is going on. Gawker reports that Eric Ripert's wife said the fish-lipped seafood wonder is "in Aspen being a judge for 'Top Chef!'"

Butch(er) Knife: Rosie O'Donnell Shows Marcel Vigneron That She is a Woman of Steel

Ilan Hall Tries to Earn His Straight-Boy Street Cred by Calling His "Girlfriend" Fat

Silver-tongued smooth operator and newly queened, er, crowned Top Chef Ilan Hall, winks and clicks his tongue at Entertainment Weekly as he gives them the skinny on being a former fatboy, exposes his "girlfriend"'s eating habits, and demonstrates a surprising amount of adjectival self-awareness. As always, the cherce bits:

Did you think you guys were portrayed accurately?
Yeah, absolutely. You can show a limited amount of things from so much footage, but I think our personalities came through.

Have you been getting more hate from fans, or more love?
I'm getting a lot of love. I'm getting a lot of hate on the Internet, but to my face, everybody's been really nice to me.

So you're keeping up with things on the Internet, then?
I mean, people send me things. My friends send me things here and there. What can you do?

...

Do you cook for your girlfriend?
Yeah, I do.

Does she do any cooking?
No, not really. She just eats a lot.

How did she feel about having a third of the restaurant that you, Mikey, and Sam created for that elimination challenge named after her?
She was very honored, and then upset with me when she found out that it failed.

[Miss XaXa's reaction: "Nice try, honey. I'll look for the 'topchef' screen name in the Water Sports chat room on Gay.com."]

...

Have you always been so skinny?
No. That's a funny question. No, actually. Toward the end of elementary school and through junior high school, I was quite heavy.

...

Have you ever done anything risqué while on the line, Kitchen Confidential-style?
[Laughs] I'm not gonna tell you that...

Okay then, a few quick-fire questions for you: Favorite protein?
Pompano fish.

Favorite fruit?
I don't know — these are hard! Honey crisp apples?

[Stop, E.W. You're killing us. We need to get our eyes checked, as when we first read the answer to his favorite protein, we saw the word "Pompadour fish," and immediately thought of Marcel. As for his favorite fruit, before we could say anything, Miss XaXa broke in soothingly, "Let it go, baby, let it go. It's too easy, even for you."]

...

Describe your style of cooking in five words.
Simple. Salty. Clean. A little greasy. Is that five words?

[Well, other than clean, we think the self-portrait hits the nail right on the head. "Oh, I think he's clean," said Miss XaXa, "since Marcel said he used to spend forever in the bathroom."]

Radio "Liar"?: Selfless Sam Throws Pity Party, Demonstrates Sea Beans Give You Gas

Reader N.R. sent us this link to a lovely radio interview with Sam "I Am (Not That Guy)" Talbot, the charming, mature, and-oh-so-goodlooking-we-just-wet-our-panties-over-his-stubble-and-his-struggle-to-overcome-diabetes-and-sebaceous-hair-and-self-regard cheftestant on this season of Top Chef. Have a listen as Sam tells you the! truth! about! sea beans!, and reluctantly exposes the heartwarming fact that though his veins may be insulin-deficient, they nonetheless overflow with the milk of human kindness, charity and love, inasmuch as he wanted to function as Marcel Vigneron's sous-chef during the finale because he felt sorry for Marcel, and because Marcel, unskilled chump that he is, had real need of Sam's skills (pursed lips and interview-room sneering being essential to a five-course tasting meal), whereas Ilan would be just fine on his own.

Make yourself a cup of cocoa, put on your bunny slippers, clasp your Tickle Me Elmo to your palpitating poitrine, and prepare to sigh and swoon as iridescent soap bubbles of Karen Carpenter-scored sweetness pour forth from your computer speakers. But be careful, possums. The whole thing is so sweet, it might well send you into a diabetic coma.

Bruni-lleschi Breaks "Dome" of Silence Over "Top Chef" Finale

The New York Times' chief restaurant critic, Frank Bruni, is not one to leave his fans salivating for more of his purple prose stylings. And so, after yesterday's eyebrow-raising take on Top Chef (it's really about the food! ha!), he chimes in with his thoughts on last night's finale. As always, the cherce bits:

Could the phrase “Kenmore Pro Kitchen” have been used more frequently during the course of this season? Talk about a fruitful sponsorship deal! I think the whole situation plummeted to its nadir when the chef Tom Colicchio, addressing the final two contestants, worked the phrase into his comments.

...

Ilan’s selection of braised short ribs as one of the five courses in his big meal was disappointing. I love braised short ribs, but at last count, they were on 109,451 menus. And that’s in Manhattan alone.

I have to wonder how hard Marcel’s comrades worked on his behalf. It was clear that Betty and Elia were much more invested in Ilan, whom they were helping, than Sam and Michael were invested in Marcel, who chose them to stand and work at his side. Sam’s comments to the camera about the things that went wrong as Marcel prepared his last supper (for now) had a bit too much glee in them.

The arithmetic I did as the judges assessed each of the final two contenders’ five courses didn’t add up clearly to an Ilan victory. The way I heard the judges, Marcel’s first course trumped Ilan’s. Ilan’s second course trumped Marcel’s. Their third courses were a tie. Marcel won the fourth round, and the fifth — well, the diners who ate the meals didn’t make their preferences immediately clear.

That’s two for Marcel, one for Ilan and two in doubt, though, at the end, the judges seemed to tip that fifth course, dessert, in Ilan’s favor.

So why did Ilan come out on top?

NBC Universal Family Turns On Itself Like Jim Carrey Hitting Himself in "Liar, Liar"

In a a surprising move reminiscent of Jim Carrey hitting himself in Liar, Liar (a Universal Pictures production), MSNBC, a subsidiary of NBC Universal, the parent company of Bravo, published a scathing online article today about Top Chef. You can read the article here, but we include some cherce bits for your delectation:

A hairy situation
The defining moment of the season came a few weeks ago when some of the remaining five competitors decided, after a night of drinking, to shave their own heads, and then shave Marcel's. At least, that's what viewers saw. After Ilan and Elia shaved their heads, Cliff woke Marcel, and as Ilan cheered him on, wrestled Marcel to the ground and held him in a headlock. As a result, Cliff was sent home for violating the show's rules.

That wasn't quite what happened, however. Careful viewers noticed that, in one of those scenes, Elia still had all of her hair, and was on the floor laughing as Marcel angrily stormed off. In other words, she and Ilan shaved their heads only after their attempted hazing of Marcel went awry. Editing the scene out of order seemed designed to protect the show's integrity, which was waning episode by episode as interpersonal conflict took over.

After the incident, the producers refused to allow head judge Colicchio to dismiss all four participants, like he wanted to do, and thus let Marcel win the competition by default. On his BravoTV.com blog, Tom wrote that "[p]roducers stepped in with a veto. Sending all of the chefs but Marcel home wasn't going to happen."

Of course, the departure of those four contestants would have prematurely ended the series on a low note. But it would have also been a fitting note, as the competition and cooking often fell away in favor of "Real World"-style immaturity and unnecessary drama packed with deceptive editing.

Less about food, more about drama
In its second season, "Top Chef" became more of a soap opera set on a reality show than a competition about cooking. Otto quit the competition after admitting to have taken food from a store that his team didn't pay for, although he did return it. Mia quit to save Elia from elimination. Michael used his budget for one challenge to buy beer for himself. All the chefs were spared elimination but put on probation after accusations of cheating during a challenge. Cliff was sent home for his part in hazing Marcel. Betty fought with Marcel. Frank fought with Marcel. Ilan screamed at Marcel. Elia accused Marcel of cheating but offered no evidence.

Le Chat: In Which All Is Revealed

For a few weeks now, we, along with the Gals and Ms. Place, have been intellectually cockteasing you with riddles drawn from the collected works of Carolyn Keene, but today, we finally put out.

The first riddle involved a picture of a café and a clutch purse. Put them together, and you get "café" + "clutch" = café clutch = Kaffeeklatsch. Yes, a groaner, but that's our specialty.

And the second riddle featured a variety of cats in berets. This was easy, even by our standards. Even noted French-speaker Marcel "Jell-EE" Vigneron knows that the French word for "cat" is "chat." So what does this come down to?

Well, tonight, we, along with the Gals of Top Chef 2: They Cook, We Dish and Ms. Place of Dishin’ Dat (whose jolly clever idea this all was), will be hosting a live chat for our readers. We'd love to hear from you all on this final night of the season. A special link will be provided to access the chat just prior to the beginning of the show. Provided everything goes well on the technical end, we look forward to chatting with you, possums, on this last night of the competition.

Exclusive! Amuse-Biatch In-House Paparazzo Uncovers the Truth Behind the "Top Chef" Finale

Reader, aspiring Eve Harrington, and new Amuse-Biatch in-house paparazzo Laz is not, unlike Miss Elia Aboumrad, a man to give up easily.

After witnessing Ilan Hall playing "In Your Eyes" for Marcel Vigneron on a boombox in Las Vegas, he knew something was up. He'd watched Double Indemnity plenty of times, and though he looks nothing like Edward G. Robinson, he had a gut feeling about this one. The weekend of Cointreau and go-go boys could wait. He sat in his convertible, cowboy hat pulled low over his aviator shades, and chewed on a toothpick while pondering the saffron strands of this mystery.

And then the targets were on the move. Laz followed discreetly as they drove north in Ilan Hall's rented convertible. "So they're pulling a Thelma and Louise," Laz gruffly thought to himself, taking swigs of Pepto-Bismol à la Cliff Crooks.

By the time the rental crossed the state line into Montana, Laz had figured it all out. Of course! The signs had been there all along. The attraction between the two had been instantaneous, electric, Kenmore Pro. As Laz was later to hear Ilan huskily whisper to Marcel, "You had me at, 'Do you wanna see my knives?'"

So the two met in the bathroom, unheard by anyone save Frank Terzoli's toothbrush, and planned it all out. They would just pretend to hate each other, displaying such camera-ready animosity and dramatic confrontations that the producers would have no choice but to ensure that they ended up in the finale together.

It was risky, but well worth it. After all, once they were in the finale, it wouldn't matter who won the title and the money. No matter where it came from, $100,000 would buy a sweet little gastropub in Helena, Montana, where they could serve dishes featuring Ilan's chorizo and Marcel's foam.

Laz followed them to the outskirts of Helena, where, using his telephoto lens, he took the photograph you see above. Once they were inside the cottage, Laz approached and peered through the window.

"I wish I knew how to queet you," Ilan said breathily to Marcel.

"Just ask Elia," replied Marcel, as they laughed, and began to kiss.

And what happened next was so ineffably tender that neither we nor Laz have the words for it, and so we turn to former New Jersey governor and "gay American" (Gaymerican?) Jim McGreevey and a charged passage from his memoir, The Confession:

"We undressed and he kissed me. It was the first time in my life that a kiss meant what it was supposed to mean -- it sent me through the roof. I was like a man emerging from...a cave to taste pure air for the first time, feel direct sunlight on pallid skin, warmth where there had only ever been a bone-chilling numbness....I pulled him to the bed and we made love like I'd always dreamed: a boastful, passionate, whispering, masculine kind of love."

How's that for a Wednesday morning? Well, it was just like that, Laz assured us. As for who really earned the title of "top" chef, well, we'll leave that to your imagination.

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