Friday, August 21, 2009
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Is There an Amuse-Biatch “Top Chef” Curse?
Well, possums, perhaps it serves us right for being so immodestly pleased that, as shown above, our endorsement of Carla Hall for the title of Fan Favorite (and its attendant prize of 10,000 scallop shells) is going to be shown on tomorrow night’s Reunion Show. Caught and held fast in the gauzy web born of the Gail Simmons giggles we inspired, we failed to think our usual pessimistic thoughts.
Fortunately, one of the properly cynical possums, watching the second video’s bit on the “birthday curse,” suggested that there might be an Amuse-Biatch curse as well, at least where Fan Favorites are concerned.
A curse? Sure, “fan site” is not exactly how we would refer to this endeavor (“cyber scratching post,” or “tiny, clawed fist shaken in the general direction of the aspirational reality tv panopticon” might be more to our liking), but a curse?
But the Santayana-quote-wielding possum was merciless in her remembrance of things past. We were reminded that during Season 2, we endorsed Carlos Fernandez, only to have him lose to Sam “Not That Guy” Talbot. During Season 3, we endorsed Dale Levitski, only to have the title won by Casey “Beaver Boots” Thompson, a title she might not win again if the voting were held today. During Season 4, we endorsed perhaps the biggest fan this website has ever had, self-proclaimed metrosexual and logorrhea sufferer, Ryan “Chicken Piccata” Scott, but the fans chose Stephanie Izard instead.
We must face the very real possibility, then, that in endorsing Carla for Fan Favorite we inadvertently doomed her chances of success, putting us in the company of none other than Dick Cheney. Just great. Why, oh why, didn’t we endorse Ariane “Silencer of the Lambs” Duarte? Why?
Friday, February 27, 2009
The Facebook Updates That Signaled Impending Doom; Also, Toby Young on Caseygate: A “Pretty Shocking Rant”
Yesterday, Pegasus News posted the updates from Casey Thompson’s Facebook page that seem to indicate in real time her growing frustration with being portrayed as a scapegoat for Carla Hall’s loss:
Asked about the snowballing controversy, Toby Young told CelebTV.com:
“It’s a pretty shocking rant. The judges don’t see what goes on behind the scenes, so I don’t know if what she says is true.”
But, as Miss XaXa is quick to remind us, Texas girls have a temper, and don’t take kindly to attack or loss.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Who Says That Chivalry Is Dead?
Just imagine it, possums. For once, a man who’ll free you from crabs rather than give them to you in the first place.
Talk of the Hootie Nation: Carla Hall Speaks to the Adoring Masses
Miss Carla was a guest on National Public Radio's show, Talk of the Nation, where she reveals that even her family thought she was being too nice, and defends Tom Colicchio from charges of insincerity.
Meowza! Beaver Boots Doesn't Return the Hootie Love
In an interview with D Magazine, Casey Thompson tears into Carla. You have to read the whole thing to get the full flavor, but here are a few tidbits:
Carla was not prepared and in over her head. The show did not talk about how the first course (crab) took her half of the friggin’ cooking time that day, I was left to work the rest of HER dishes....
And where in the hell did french come from!? She is not even classically trained! It (the show) didn’t talk about how I worked on a sauce for 2 days and Carla forgot to put it on the plate… It didn’t show how the 2nd course (fish) was MINE....
I am done with TC. I did not influence her. She has NO ideas of her own, oh, except a cheese course.
What is left to say, possums? Just wow.
UPDATE:
Earlier, we posted only excerpts from Casey’s statements to D Magazine out of professional courtesy, but in the interim, the magazine's server has gone down several times, the article has been flooded with comments, a person claiming to be a friend of Casey’s posted that Casey realizes she went too far in making those statements, and now the post appears (at least temporarily) unavailable. For that reason, below please find the full text of Casey’s statements:
"Carla was not prepared and in over her head. The show did not talk about how the first course (crab) took her half of the friggin’ cooking time that day, I was left to work the rest of HER dishes.
She also did not have a plan. The ONLY thing she had in mind was a cheese course! I would NEVER do a cheese course. And where in the hell did french come from!? She is not even classically trained! It (the show) didn’t talk about how I worked on a sauce for 2 days and Carla forgot to put it on the plate… It didn’t show how the 2nd course (fish) was MINE. It didn’t show how she took the sous vide idea and decided to GRILL it last minute causing it to be tough… And it didn’t show how she WANTED to do the souffles which she does not even know how to make! That was HER food, because it certainly was me asking her how she wanted to do this and that while she was busy picking crab the entire time and making a souffle that didn’t rise!
I am done with TC. I did not influence her. She has NO ideas of her own, oh, except a cheese course."
The Audacity of Hootie: “Don’t Blame Casey”
Miss Carla told a reporter from the Huntington, West Virginia, Herald-Dispatch:
"I would love to give [Casey Thompson] a call to see how she’s taking all of this. I hate for her to get the brunt of it. If I could get on a loudspeaker and tell the whole world and everyone who watches the show, I would tell them, ‘Don’t blame Casey.’ I take full responsibility.”
Mature and classy to the very end. Hootie Nation expects nothing less of her.
Hootie Nation Weeps as Carla Hall’s Rise Deflated by “No”-fflé, Voodoo Double Curse
What was meant to be a blue cheese soufflé curdled into a “no”-fflé, and likewise our sense and reason have curdled into a bubbling, grief-studded, superstitious inquiry into why some things fail to rise. (And no, we’re not taking “egg whites and a too-hot oven” as an answer.)
After tossing and turning our voices-filled head on our tinfoil pillow, having nightmares of Hosea Rosenberg and Tom Colicchio holding up cans of Diet Coke and those little gold homunculi from the king cakes, an answer came to us.
It was nothing less than a voodoo double curse (though, of course, the producers tried to throw us off the scent by showing us a voodoo lady so incompetent that she suggested Jamie Lauren might yet be Stefan Richter’s girlfriend; mind you, if voodoo ladies have the power to turn lesbians into straight girls, then Jerry Falwell and Fred Phelps are going to be in a sticky bind).
Much as it pains us, since we genuinely like Casey “Beaver Boots” Thompson, we have no choice but to pronounce her the first voodoo curse of this finale. And it isn’t as if this is a new idea. Back in August of 2007, during Season 3, we had already dubbed her the “Typhoid Mary” of Top Chef, since everyone who became friendly with her was immediately eliminated from the competition.
And as for the second voodoo curse, well, we learnt yesterday that Carla once cooked for Dick Cheney. Need we say more?
With this kind of bad magic, Hootie never stood a chance.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Home Cooking We Can Believe In: Hootie Wants to Make Peach Cobbler for Obama
That's what Miss Carla said in a very entertaining interview with Pipe Dream, "Binghamton University's student-run paper since 1946." When asked, "If you could cook one meal for anybody in history, who would it be and what would it be?" Carla had little hesitation:
Oh, let’s see … now that I’ve got Jacques [Pépin] out of the way (Laughs), I think it would be Obama. I think it would be President Obama and I heard he likes peach cobbler. So, I’d start him with dessert because life is uncertain. He might have to get up and walk out and then I would go on to make him something homey with a little twist on it. I don’t know what it would be, he likes homey food. I would have to ask him what that would be.
We urge you to read the interview in full, as Carla also talks about the pitfalls of editing ("if you say it, they can play it"), her love of Gail Simmons, her days in Paris, her Platonic last meal ("a hamburger so juicy that the juice runs down my arm while I’m eating it"), her favorite and least favorite challenges, and the difficulty of watching herself on television:
Sometimes it’s weird because I have these facial expressions and people would always talk about my eyes and to see myself, yes, my eyes are bugging out and yes, I make these facial expressions, but I don’t see myself that way, so it is funny to see.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
First Reaction: Aw Shucks Oysters
Gail, Gail, Gail.
Even if nothing else during the episode had worked, the return of Gail Simmons would have been enough. In Hootie’s words, “Love ya, girl!”
But that was actually quite a tasty episode. We got: Carla winning the challenge (and a car, and bemoaning the unreliable character of men’s promises in a "Bessie Smith does Much Ado About Nothing" soliloquy); the return of Leah Cohen (who apparently learnt how to use make-up in the interim); Fabio's pink scarf and mohawk; Carla's new hair; our little longer-haired scallop Jamie Lauren (though she went a tad overboard on the Miss Clairol or the lemon juice); Jeff’s chance at redemption (sadly, no more treasure-trail shots by cameramen intent on objectifying him); “a butt-rubbing contest”; Stefabio forcibly separated; Carla's beautiful table manners; more phallocentric taunting of Hosea (just what does Stefan know? Did he see Hosea naked in the bathroom?); Padma looking like a mail-order whore in a Sergio Leone western; Fabio revealing that he’s watched masked porn; Jeff McInnis mispronouncing “chipotle”; Stefan as Mr. Grits; a patient, inoffensive, and understanding Emeril Lagasse; and Gail, Gail, Gail.
Oh, and as you can see from the picture above, Stefan actually did help Carla shuck her oysters. So much for the soulless villain.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Padma Lakshmi Does Her Best with Wardrobe Choices to Make Sure That It *Is* Jacques Pépin’s Last Meal
No wonder the poor man kept looking to his left.
It reminds us of a terrible joke one of our high school teachers told us from his Mormon missionary days in France, and that Jacques might know: Pourquoi un soutien-gorge est-il comme le paradis? Parce que les seins y sont. (Why is a bra like Paradise? Because that’s where the breasts are.). It turns on the fact that the French word for saints, “saints” is pronounced very much like the French word for breasts, “seins.”
Anyway, Padma, for God’s sake, the man is 73. Oh wait, never mind, that’s her target age range.
Still, you’ll have to fight Carla, since she and Jacques are like this.
