Amuse-Biatch Investigates: Elia Aboumrad Firm Believer in Hippocracy & Literacy

With thanks to reader Virginia, who in sending this to us reminds us that there really is a Santa Claus, here is a photo of our Elia Aboumrad reading in bed, accompanied by what Virginia figures to be "a stuffed heepo."

Virginia, we definitely gave a woolf-whistle to see Elia spending the hours reading in what, now that Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser is gone, is a room of her own. We still can't tell what the title of the book is. Is she reading the Michelin Guide? Like us, does she find le guide rouge more pornographic than any bodice-ripper? Perhaps it's simply her diary. After all, as Oscar Wilde put it, "I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train."

Or, in the case of Top Chef, to read in the bus off which, or under which, everyone is always getting thrown.

At any rate, Google Perv, knock yourself out.

Elia Aboumrad: Boys Do Make Passes at Girls Who Wear Glasses

And we don't mean just Ilan "Goldilocks" Hall. (Which, since we're feeling a little scatter-brained this morning, makes us ask: When two people who wear glasses kiss, do they clink glasses, as if making a toast?)

Google Perv, who comes to Amuse-Biatch de temps en temps after Googling "Elia Aboumrad Bikini Shot," is not the only one to have a yen for her yin. And who can blame him or her?

The bitch has better skin than Shiloh Pitt-Jolie. (Or is it Jolie-Pitt, as for Zahara and Maddox? Goodness knows we're not Doctor Spock, but it seems to us that raising a girl surnamed Jolie-Pitt is asking for a teenage slut in a decade or so; you might as well make "Plan B" her middle name. As the Spanish proverb might put it, "Cría curvas, y te sacarán los ojos, pero de sus órbitas.") As we have seen from her yoga workouts, she is quite, quite flexible. Leaving aside all the G.I. Jane/V for Vendetta talk floating around about the rest of the season, we also admire her springy, Salome-temptress curls.

And then there's the accent. As Padma Lakshmi herself says, "Sometimes I ask her questions just to hear her talk." We can well imagine some perv in the linguistics department of a state university being aroused by the idea of hearing her say, "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," or mulling the fantasy of feeding her not cherries and chocolate, but tongue twisters ("Peetair Pipair peeked a peck oaf peekold peppairs...").

But it was only while watching this week's episode again that we discovered what we find sexiest about Elia. The beginning of the show finds her lying in bed, sporting a pinkish tank top, and sighing attractively. However, it wasn't her heaving bosom that caught our eye. No, it was the fact that she was reading a book.

We admit that we have a thing for people with brains. (The dirtiest, sexiest, most titillating thing a boy has ever said to us? "Hold on a second, I've got the OED right here.")

Our curiosity was whetted (no need to double-check the spelling there). What was that red book so enticingly open in her hands? Was it the Michelin guide? Does she read le guide rouge because it is more pornographic than any bodice-ripper, just as we do? Is that why she was sighing, and not because Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser was gone?

So, possums, if any of you has a screencap of Elia in bed reading, send it in. If you are able to identify the book she was reading, let us know. And most importantly, what is that stuffed animal keeping her company in her tank-topped reverie? Though we were faithful watchers of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, we were unable to identify it. Was it a donkey (maybe even the donkey from Shrek)? Was it a platypus? Inquiring, dirty minds want to know.