Amuse-Biatch Shares Its "VD" with You -- Valentine's Day, That Is

Normally, we hate Valentine's Day, mostly because of all the people who say "ValentiMe's Day." However, this year is different, because we got a Valentine's Day card from reader Dianna, and we are only too happy to share it with you. And look, Mrs. Hall, proof that Ilan is straight!

Ilan Hall Pops Out with the Truth About His Cherry

In an interview with The New York Times, adjudged Top Chef winner Ilan Hall discussed his first encounter with an unknown cherry.

The Surinam cherry, that is, which, this being Ilan, turned out to be something quite different than what it seemed at first--not a cherry at all:

“It was one of the things that grew on the Big Island that was at the great market they brought us to,” Mr. Hall said in a telephone interview, referring to an outdoor farmers’ market the contestants visited. “It was the first time I had seen three-quarters of the things there.”

The Surinam cherry, which Ilan used in his dessert dish for the finale, turns out to be related to the clove and, according to Ilan, tastes “sort of cool and perfumey.” And Ilan “wanted to use it because it was so out of left field.” Hmmmm. Sort of like...never mind.

Padma Lakshmi Pounds Ilan Hall, Defends Marcel Vigneron's Cherry

In an unusually cogent entry on her Bravo blog, our Padma jumps into the fray to separate the virgins from the boys. Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson, er, Rushdie:

And now for the desserts. I know many may have wanted to taste Ilan's dessert over Marcel's when the viewer polling was done when it aired -- but I was there. And leaving the played-out foam aside, Marcel's dessert beat Ilan's to a pulpy mess. Ilan's ill conceived Gluttony platter was too sickly, wet, and limp to win anything, especially as a last course. There was a what looked like a brick of brownie, with a macadamia nut brittle with creme anglais sauce and a funnel cake drenched in simple syrup and powdered sugar. A case of too many weak flavors fighting on the same plate against each other. Now Ilan is a good cook, and he's capable of some excellent and delicious food, and I'm sure that funnel cake was tasty and the right consistency when he originally prepared it. But funnel cake, like many fried sweet foods, does not travel well and doesn't need paring with other desserts. If he wanted to make a gluttonous dessert, what about going the way of simpicity as Elia did and making a big banana split with some clever flavor twist if he wanted to be creative? Marcel didn't do a lustful dessert but his conept of using cherries was a good one, and it did taste like cherries, my mouth was bursting with cherry flavor, he used fresh cherries in the height of summer in California, and it tasted like it. His portion and presentaion were anything but lustful but he is young. I'd still order that on a menu any day over the toothache soggy surprise that Ilan served us.

Let's see: "taste Ilan's dessert," "played-out foam" (is that like the Dan Savage-coined "santorum"?), "pulpy mess," "sickly, wet and limp," "brick of brownie," "creme anglais [sic]," "drenched in simple syrup," "weak flavors," "big banana split," "my mouth was bursting with cherry flavor," "soggy surprise." Nah, it must just be us and our gutter minds.