Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Top Chef Ilan D. Hall Joins the Amuse-Biatch Crusade to Bring Back Sweetness and Light, Gucci Handbags

It is Ash Wednesday, possums, and we were ebullient and uplifted (in that Cross Your Heart, 18-hour way) after early-morning services (we wore our charcoal YSL turtleneck in order to match the ash daubed on our forehead, but our brow was equally touched with sweetness and light).

Taking a gander at the salmon-colored pages (well, Miss XaXa says they're more pink than salmon, but pink sounds so, like, gay) of The New York Observer, and relieved that there was no article by Simon Doonan to test our post-Rainbow Springs sobriety, we were about to turn to the irreproachably heterosexual Andrew Sarris' column, when we came across a tidbit on Top Chef Ilan D. Hall, who, just in time for the paschal season, shows himself appropriately repentant, humble, and full of the new spirit of sweetness and light.

The author describes running into "an expensively but hiply dressed man in a wool-knit beanie cap, with a Louis Vuitton bag the size of a 4-year-old child" who turned out to be none other than "Top Chef conquistador Ilan D. Hall. "

After congratulating our beloved Ilan on winning, the author decided to compliment the indubitably heterosexual Ilan on his sac à main:

"Nice bag, Gucci?"

"Yeah." But it looked very Louis Vuitton.

"Look at you, buying Gucci bags right and left," The Transom gushed.

"No, it's old." But it looked very new.

We got into the elevator, The Transom first. "So what's going on with Cliff? He's not in jail is he?" Cliff is Cliff Crooks, who was ejected from Bravo for getting rough with contestant Marcel Vigneron's gorgeous mane.

"Nah, he's in his restaurant, he's doing really well," Mr. Hall said.

"Yeah!" said The Transom, angling for another high five. "That dude actually probably deserved to get his head shaved."

Then things got hot: Mr. Hall furrowed his epicurean brow. "He deserved more than that." Snap!

Already we feel sweeter and more light.


Anonymous said...

Oh boy. There is so much contained in these few paragraphs.

Obviously you are not gay if you sport a big, splashy, spanking new designer bag and don't know if it's Gucci or LV. Fast thinking, Ilan.

As for the continuing Marcel fixation, unfortunately still in its white heat phase. I'm wondering what more he was imagining doing to the Wolf.

Anonymous said...

Designer bags and a big-screen TV. Wow. Nice to see that Ilan's spending his prize money to "kick-start his culinary career" and not buying all sorts of toys and bling that have nothing to do with cooking...not. I gotta wonder how Colicchio feels about that.

Anonymous said...

Gucci bag? What a 'mo.

Maya said...

Also thrilled to see Ilan using his celebrity status to make the world a better place.

"He deserved more than that".

Good job Ilan, while other contestants are volunteering their time to feed the homeless, you're on a heartwarming mission to backstab other people.


Anonymous said...

Considering Marcel was attacked I find Ilan's remarks distasteful, but them what else is new with this creep.

kbryna said...

what a strange, sad man this Ilan is turning out to be.

carrying a bag the size of a 4-year-old may be hip and fashionable, i wouldn't know.

to me, it just seems kind of creepy and weird.

what's he keep in that bag????

Kitten said...

Ilan reminds me of a crazy old lady. How much longer before he is sporting a bunch of brassy jewelry along with his group of girly watches and having conversations with his dozens upon dozens of cats?