Wednesday, August 29, 2007

It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing: Does the Recipe for Brian Malarkey's Seafood Sausage Include Both Oysters and Geoduck?

As we all know, possums, Brian "Asshat" Malarkey looks like he walked out of the film Swingers, but is he one?

That is the question left in our mind by his wife's MySpace page.

Now, possums, normally we don't use the cheftestants' relatives as a subject, except when they might tell us something interesting about the person in the competition. We definitely think this is one such case.

Let's say your husband is a respected and affable seafood chef with an asinine collection of hats, and that he gets selected to be a contestant on "cable's #1 food show," where he is doing well and attracting national attention for his cooking and his good looks, which could lead to bigger and better things for him, and, indeed, for both of you.

And let's say you take to your very public MySpace page (which your sister-in-law reads) and do the following:

* List among your general interests "BLODDY [sic] MARYS," "XXXBowling," "FULL SERVICE," and "COWBOYS"

* List among your favorite books "Sex Signs," "GOOD IN BED," "THE KAMA SUTRA," "'Aqua' Erotica," "karma 101," and "*MONOGAMY*"


Well, and what of it, possums? It may be in questionable taste, but it doesn't necessarily reflect on your husband, right?

So why, then, (as shown by the screencap above) would you go and include a link to a group you belong to, "MFM In San Diego"?

Now, when we first saw Brian on our television screen in June, our gaydar went off. Of course, as we're the first to admit, our 'dar is often confused by Mormons and Canadians, so a thumb-ring-wearing pretty boy from the Northwest was very likely to provide a false positive. And, indeed, as we have seen, Brian is married. Senator Larry Craig notwithstanding, our suspicion was laid to rest.

So imagine our surprise when, as advised by Amuse-Biatch reader CB, we clicked on the "MFM In San Diego" link on Brian's wife's MySpace. There was a pop-up advising us that the site we were trying to visit contained adult material not suitable for those under 18 years of age. Oh dear. And once we had grudgingly admitted that we are, indeed, over 18, we fell upon a cyber-gathering place for people seeking threesomes. Of the male-female-male variety.

"Ohhh," said Miss Xaxa, "hence the 'MFM'. Well, wasn't that show Two Guys and a Girl about a restaurant?"

We couldn't reply, so stunned were we by the possibility that our gaydar might not have been so wrong in the first place. So it appears that Brian's wife belongs to a MySpace group where people advertise for guy-on-guy-on-girl action.

All at once, Mrs. Malarkey's list of heroes, reading material and general interests began to seem very interesting indeed.

Of course, the blasé Miss XaXa wasn't really surprised: "Did you see the powder-blue pants? He wore them on the show, he wears them on her page, and they tell you everything you need to know."

Afternoon Update:

First, early in the day, Mrs. Malarkey changed her MySpace profile thus: (1) corrected the spelling of "bloody Mary," (2) changed her "designation" from "Black Magic" to "Team Malarkey," and (3) deleted all the book titles cited above, except for "karma 101," but left the reference to the MFM group intact (thank heaven for screencaps).

Now, Mrs. Malarkey's profile has been made private.


Anonymous said...

OMG! You had me in stitches with this post!!!!!!!

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

you do make waiting for a delayed red eye flight so much more enjoyable. I seem to be the only one laughing in this sad airport. Now if could Learn how the caps work on this tiny phone I would be all set.

cb said...

this is the proudest day of my life....a mention on amuse-biatch!!!!

(i am/used to be Frogboots, so i am not just some stranger).

Anonymous said...

MFM could just mean that the F likes having two Ms at the same time... it doesnt mean either guy is neccesarily bi

Anonymous said...

Straight guys really like being around other naked guys while double-teaming their wives.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! They also like to wear powder blue pants

Ms. Place said...

Oh me oh my I blush. I'll never look at Bri (think Tri) the same again.

Anonymous said...

Word must have gotten to his wife pretty quickly to switch to a private myspace within hours of the post.

That makes me think the membership isn't a joke.

cb said...

i am feeling powerful! i passed on the page info to y'all....and then!

poof - it's gone private!

i am changing myspace, one profile at a time!!!

hughman said...

hopefully she'll change that cheesy faux chanel background too.

geoduck said...

I love eating gooey ducks. My mother loves to make it with rice, tastes great! Though I do think you have to get used to the texture.

Check out for info.

Anonymous said...

OMG. This post completely changes the nuances of this previously innocent comment by Ilan in his "Top Chef" blog: "Brian has been consistent and really good. He’s also a really cool guy (and has a beautiful wife). I like what he's about. All in all, the three made a winning team from the get-go."

I'm afraid to even let my mind go there...

viagra online said...

My sister loves to make it with rice, tastes great! Though I do think you have to get used to the texture.

Anonymous said...

Get a life people stop ranking on folk who aren't messin with you