It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing: Does the Recipe for Brian Malarkey's Seafood Sausage Include Both Oysters and Geoduck?

As we all know, possums, Brian "Asshat" Malarkey looks like he walked out of the film Swingers, but is he one?

That is the question left in our mind by his wife's MySpace page.

Now, possums, normally we don't use the cheftestants' relatives as a subject, except when they might tell us something interesting about the person in the competition. We definitely think this is one such case.

Let's say your husband is a respected and affable seafood chef with an asinine collection of hats, and that he gets selected to be a contestant on "cable's #1 food show," where he is doing well and attracting national attention for his cooking and his good looks, which could lead to bigger and better things for him, and, indeed, for both of you.

And let's say you take to your very public MySpace page (which your sister-in-law reads) and do the following:

* List among your general interests "BLODDY [sic] MARYS," "XXXBowling," "FULL SERVICE," and "COWBOYS"

* List among your favorite books "Sex Signs," "GOOD IN BED," "THE KAMA SUTRA," "'Aqua' Erotica," "karma 101," and "*MONOGAMY*"

* List among your heroes "SUCCESSFUL CHEFS IN HAPPY MARRIAGES"

Well, and what of it, possums? It may be in questionable taste, but it doesn't necessarily reflect on your husband, right?











So why, then, (as shown by the screencap above) would you go and include a link to a group you belong to, "MFM In San Diego"?

Now, when we first saw Brian on our television screen in June, our gaydar went off. Of course, as we're the first to admit, our 'dar is often confused by Mormons and Canadians, so a thumb-ring-wearing pretty boy from the Northwest was very likely to provide a false positive. And, indeed, as we have seen, Brian is married. Senator Larry Craig notwithstanding, our suspicion was laid to rest.

So imagine our surprise when, as advised by Amuse-Biatch reader CB, we clicked on the "MFM In San Diego" link on Brian's wife's MySpace. There was a pop-up advising us that the site we were trying to visit contained adult material not suitable for those under 18 years of age. Oh dear. And once we had grudgingly admitted that we are, indeed, over 18, we fell upon a cyber-gathering place for people seeking threesomes. Of the male-female-male variety.

"Ohhh," said Miss Xaxa, "hence the 'MFM'. Well, wasn't that show Two Guys and a Girl about a restaurant?"

We couldn't reply, so stunned were we by the possibility that our gaydar might not have been so wrong in the first place. So it appears that Brian's wife belongs to a MySpace group where people advertise for guy-on-guy-on-girl action.

All at once, Mrs. Malarkey's list of heroes, reading material and general interests began to seem very interesting indeed.

Of course, the blasé Miss XaXa wasn't really surprised: "Did you see the powder-blue pants? He wore them on the show, he wears them on her page, and they tell you everything you need to know."

Afternoon Update:

First, early in the day, Mrs. Malarkey changed her MySpace profile thus: (1) corrected the spelling of "bloody Mary," (2) changed her "designation" from "Black Magic" to "Team Malarkey," and (3) deleted all the book titles cited above, except for "karma 101," but left the reference to the MFM group intact (thank heaven for screencaps).

Now, Mrs. Malarkey's profile has been made private.

Howie & Joey: Can This Bearriage Be Saved?

It always starts with something small, doesn't it, possums?

On last week's episode, we thrilled when Sara Mair wanted to buy tricolor fusilli for the Bertolli challenge, and Howie had a mini (queeny) meltdown about how it was the "cheesiest, corniest" pasta that you would see "on buffet tables" in "every schlock house" in the country. Meow!

So what did Howie's Bear life-partner, Joey, insist on for his team? Why, tricolor fusilli, of course. That's when we knew this bearriage was in trouble.

(Naturally, Joey's teammate, Hung, wanted penne (yes, there's a cheap and easy bisexual joke in there about how "pene" is Italian for "penis," and yes, "penne" means "feathers," and let's not forget pájaros and The Birdcage, but we're too lazy to flesh it out).

Oh, and while we're at it, we were disheartened that italianissimo Joey couldn't even pronounce orecchiete, which he rendered as "oh-reh-CLEH-tee." Tsk, tsk, Giuseppe.

And since we're digressing, we must mention Miss XaXa's chortle when she heard 5'6" Howie saying, "It's a no-brainer for me that shrimp is the way to go, because everybody loves shrimp." Well, at least we know Joey does.)

We shuddered as we imagined the scenes that would take place when Howie & Joey invited Andrew & Aaron and Rob & Peter and Tom & Tony for Sunday brunch at their place and Joey insisted on serving pasta salad made with tricolor fusilli. Possums, the Fiesta Ware (Joey's, of course) would fly. And that would be part of the argument, too, Fiesta Ware vs. simple, sober plates from Armani Casa. Oh, and the doilies Joey would insist on for the couches ("But Howie, Pooh Bear, we can't have you sweatin' into the velour")! And Joey wanting to stay home and watch Beaches one more time while Howie wanted to go out and see The Bourne Ultimatum, or stay home but watch UFC death matches. It's too, too tragic to contemplate.

Has it really come to an end?

Our pals Doug and Maddy at the Miami Herald's Top Chef blog bring us the scoop. Maddy, who interviewed Joey, found him in a heartbreaking condition, "drinking a Gatorade and smoking a Newport." So that's what grief tastes like, Gatorade and Newports--why didn't The English Patient tell us this?

Maddy then discovered that Joey and Howie have not spoken at all and Joey asked for Howie's email address. Indeed, Joey, who lives in New York, didn't even know that Howie was in New York too! The outrage! Howie, of course, was consorting with Alfred Portale, the man Joey himself likened to Michelangelo, and we all know about Michelangelo, don't we?















Is it any wonder that, as Maddy reports, Joey may be turning into one of the Ungay?

First, Joey suggests, he may have tried sexually harassing Padma Lakshmi: "Padma is Padma. She is beautiful. And I said that on a few occasions. I'm not afraid to speak my mind. That's me - I'm very open. If you hold back, you're gonna tear your insides apart."

And now? The coup de grâce! "I just started dating a wonderful girl. She's in the insurance business." Madonna, ma come mai?!

First of all, this proves, if proof were needed, that straight women have lower, or at least different, standards than the Gays. Secondly, insurance business? Aren't these people supposed to know about risks?

But wait. Hope is not entirely lost. Joey "still ha[s]n't opened that bottle of red that Howie got from Maria Frumkin for winning the elimination challenge."















He hasn't opened the bottle. Doesn't that tell you everything, possums? It's as if that bottle held not delightfully rotten Argentinean grapes, but a message, a liquid billet doux. Insurance girls, Alfred Portale and Padma Lakshmi be damned. We still believe in love.

What Would Gong Li Do: Hung Huynh and the Curse of the Overcooked Durum Flour

As you know, possums, we had high hopes for self-professed asshole Hung Huynh as the show's Great Gay Villain, subsequently downgraded (upgraded?) to Bisexual Villain, and then to merely Villain. Desirous of abetting his career in villainy, and hoping to have material for our blog, we counseled him to emulate the great Gong Li. All to no avail.

Following Wednesday's episode, we received an exclusive letter from Gong Li (which we wrote and sent to ourselves), asking us to cease and desist from devaluing her "brand" of sneering, heaving-breasted, Max Factor-caked villainy. Here is the relevant portion:

In my last film to be released in the U.S., Curse of the Golden Flower, I was the Empress of China and: (1) slept with my stepson; (2) had my stepson's mistress, who just happened to be his half-sister, exiled; (3) brought about my stepson's death; (4) wore corsets and long, gold fingernails; (5) made underlings quake and grovel in terror merely by waiving those fingernails; (6) survived poisoning; (7) conspired with my son; (8) raised an army of 100,000 soldiers for whom I personally embroidered gold-thread chrysanthemums for their uniforms; and (8) plotted and executed a coup d'etat against the Emperor, my husband.

What did Hung do? He (1) lost the "Culinary Bee" because he was too stupid to taste the ingredient he was supposed to identify; (2) cooked boring, mushy pasta; and (3) couldn't discipline that fat Italian boy who cried like a little girl. No tantrums, no bitchy comments, no incredulous delusions that his dish was both properly cooked and tasty. Nada (as I said when I played a Chinese-Cuban in Miami Vice).

And this is the poster-boy for Anything That Moves? This is my spiritual heir among culinary reality-tv contestants? I don't think so.

Hung is what you Americans call a pussy, and I could Individually Quick Freeze him just by looking at him. Please do not use my name again in connection with him until he is worthy of it.

Amuse-Biatch Bisexual Tuesday?

Sandee, possum, we looked at your hands (not that we were examining your finger-length ratio), and trust us, we know exactly how you feel. If we were sitting that close to Lia Bardeen, our hands would be itching too. Who would dare blame you? That pose, that sultry, almost half-lidded look, the gnocchi-soft lips, the gently sloping bazooms--er, pardon us while we take a moment to remind ourselves that we're gay.

But guess what, Sandee, possum? You might just have a chance with Lia after all.

Which brings us to the placement of the question mark in the headline. We have no doubt--no serious doubt, at any rate--that today is Tuesday. The bisexual bit, however, is something else altogether, but we figured the question mark would look odd anywhere else.

Our grammatical quandary is the result of two anonymous comments left by Amuse-Biatch readers suggesting that when Lia is looking to poach something in olive oil, she might favor both shrimp and scallops:

Just to comment, I've known Lia for a while. She used to have a girlfriend...[S]he was dating, and living, with the girl. She was never a shy bookish little girl. She has, and wears, black lingerie with garters and all. Curly or straight, blonde or brunette, she is, or at least was, a dangerous sexpot.

and

Well, I suppose it could be something made up, but it isn't. She just broke up with her girlfriend and moved out less than a year ago. They had dated for years...She's dating a boy now, there by [sic] making her entire family of lesbians (sister, mother) I suppose somewhat sad.

Again, we stress that these are anonymous and entirely unsubstantiated rumors, and that we are not presenting them as true, but to us they are nonetheless thrilling, titillating, and delightful. We adored literature major Lia when we thought she merely read Sarah Waters novels; now that it is possible she lives them as well, we positively worship her. If it's true, Lia, possum, welcome to the club.

If nothing else, we take this opportunity to respond to another Amuse-Biatch reader, who pleaded with us, "More pictures of Lia please..."

Well, possum, never let it be said that we are unresponsive to our readers, and since you did say please, here's what we were able to dredge up:

Dispatches from the Department of the Obvious: Bisexual Villain Hung Huynh Is a Snake and an Airy Fairy

Oh, settle down, possums. It's not a biphobic relapse we're suffering from; it's astrology we're talking about.

As per a fascinating report we happened upon, Hung, who was born on January 25, 1978, is, according to the Chinese zodiac, a Snake. His birthdate also makes him an Aquarius, which is, paradoxically, an Air sign. Hence the "airy fairy" of the headline.

Other revelations? CJ Jacobson is a Rabbit, which means we may have to start calling him Harvey instead of Jowly Green Giant. (Honk if you love Jimmy Stewart movies.)

Brian "Asshat" Malarkey is a Rat, but don't expect us to call him Ratatouille any time soon.

Dale Levitski's an Ox. "Bull!" calls out Miss XaXa, though we can't decide whether she's vehemently disagreeing or merely purring a corrective.

Fittingly, Howie is a Dog and Joey is a Rabbit. "Down the Rabbithole," sasses Miss XaXa.

Unsurprisingly, Tom is a Tiger (and Bear, oh my!).

But the most interesting thing of all is that Gail Simmons is a Blank. According to the website, it's "impossible to find birth info for Gail Simmons, the JD Salinger of the table." And that, we think, is the best title ever.

Eyebrow-Plucking Cheftestant Hung Huynh Comes Out in Favor of Both Geoduck and Clams, Becomes America's Next Top Bisexual Villain

Possums, we have a little confession to make.

Due to personal circumstances, our attitudes towards bisexuals have not always been the most enlightened.

But we've made progress: from "They should all be herded and dropped off on a rocky island with goats. On second thought, the poor goats haven't done anything to deserve it. Evacuate the goats first" to "Mary, puh-leeze. Elton John used to claim to be bisexual" to "Just pick a hole already" to "Oh, well, whatevs."

And now, as perhaps the final step on our road to recovery, we are happy to welcome into the fold newly emerged bisexual Hung Huyhn. On Wednesday's craptastic special, he airily (fairily?) conceded that he goes both ways, or, as the French so elegantly put it, that his boat is powered by both steam and wind (à voile et à vapeur).

We will ignore our misgivings about the efficacy of our gaydar, or whether his audition-tape AC/DC admission was merely an insincere ploy to get attention, or, as with so many LUG (lesbians until graduation), a way to make himself "interesting." After all, ain't that the trouble with bisexuals, that you never know?

Oops, just a little unenlightened hiccup, that; please ignore it, possums. We meant nothing by it.

At the very beginning of the season, when we thought Hung might be straight, we wondered whether you had to be gay to be a Great Gay Villain. Hung's bisexuality is merely the answer to that debate.