Is Casey “Beaver Boots” Thompson the “Top Chef” Typhoid Mary?

That was the question on our mind, possums, as we watched this week's episode.

In part it was prompted by our sighting of Casey's greatest and worst legacy, Lia Bardeen (the woman Colette might have named and imagined). As soon as Casey taught her how to straighten out (her hair) and made her into a "friend for life," boom! Lia was pykagged.

And this week Casey announced that she and Tre had become like "brother" and sister, and boom! Tre was pykagged.

If twice is a coincidence and three times a trend, we'll just have to wait until next week for confirmation. Just be careful, Dale; don't change hags in midstream, or it may cost you dearly.

However, there was one more reason we were focused on Casey during this week's episode. On her MySpace page, ole Beaver Boots says the people she would like to meet are "Bill Clinton and Madonna. Hopefully one day, Jesus."

We have to say, she's not doing too badly when it comes to her goals. This week she met Madonna's brother, and isn't that almost as good? And judging by the photos on her MySpace page and by the city she lives in, it looks like she might already know somebody named Jesús. That only leaves Clinton, and with her looks and television exposure, that shouldn't be too hard.

Va-Va-Bardeen: The Hawtness Makes a Fleeting Return

We admit, possums, that, being suckers for romance, we rather enjoyed the HoJo reunion of sorts this week (since all celebrity couples must have a revolting blended nickname, our math went like this: Howie + Joey = HoJo). As Miss XaXa put it, it was so Like Water for Chocolate, Howie sending out raw meat to his little NooYawk bear, since they couldn't actually be together anymore.

(Confidential to Joey in the black muumuu: Joey, possum, you may be taking the Eye-talian thing a bit far. Just because Sicilian widows dress all in black doesn't mean you have to. And black may be slimming, but, oy, horizontal stripes, possum, are not your friends.)

(And, well, isn't that Sara Nguyen? And what is she wearing? Why, it's high heels and a very low-cut top. Fancy that.)

But what thrilled and tortured us most this week was the fleeting return of Lia Bardeen looking, well, hot. Once you go straight, Lia, you never go back, eh? (We're speaking of her hair, of course, possums.) But oh, why so brief a look at her, Bravo? Why not lingering close-ups of her in her black haltertop as she ate, er, tuna tartare? Oh wait, never mind. She ate at the other restaurant; the close-ups would have been of her spitting out.

Still, Bravo, work with us. How about a little bonus footage--a hair-toss here, a burst of laughter there--in the slow motion so beloved of 1970's shampoo ads?

Fun with Semiotics: Is Bravo Trying to Tell Us Something About Lia Bardeen?

Possums, there are times when it seems we have fallen asleep with our head on an Umberto Eco tome and then feel like Scully and Mulder in an episode of The BiSex Files. And we wonder, Has the truth been "out" there all along? Are bisexuals the new Knights Templar?

It makes us re-examine everything we thought we knew.

And so, looking at this Bravo publicity shot of recently pykagged cheftestant Lia Bardeen, signs seem to jump out at us: the narrowed eyes, the tough stance, the Jean-Paul Gaultier-esque stripey top, the Carrie Bradshaw-revived name necklace, the studded leather bracelet, the nesting bowls, the fish about to be slit, the Playtex 18-Hour Bra-like curtains, and for God's sake, the papayas (and in Miami, no less, where, as the Miami Herald notes in article on just how easy it is to be unintentionally obscene in Spanish, "let's not forget that flesh-colored tropical fruit full of dark seeds and digestive enzymes that we Havana natives call frutabomba (bomb fruit) because of its shape, reserving its original name for -- well, you figure it out.")!

What's it all mean?

Yee Haw! Woot! Casey Thompson Has a "Doosey" of a "Deriven" Fan Club!

Sad but true, possums. It seems we are not the only ones who have come to appreciate cheftestant Casey Thompson for her impeccable sense of geography, and her prize-worthy efforts on behalf of hawtness for her work with a hair dryer and Lia Bardeen.

And so we are happy to introduce you to The Chef Casey Thompson Fan Club! [sic]. The Fan Club! is full of fascinating details. The About Casey! [sic] section, for example, informs us that Casey used to work "Marketing Jet Fuel"! (exclamation point added by us).

Most intriguingly, the Fan Club! appears to have inside information. As today's post reminds us: "Tonight’s the Night! A real, new Top Chef tonight! My sources tell me it’s gonna be a doosey! [sic]"

Our curiosity is certainly piqued. After all, given that the meek inherit the earth only in the Bible and never on Top Chef, we figured that walking tear duct Casey or Sara Nguyen would be DiSpirito'd tonight. But surely the Fan Club! wouldn't have called the episode a doozy if Casey were going to be cut. Therefore, Casey must be safe.

Of course, the similarly competent spelling on the Fan Club!'s site and in the comment left by "Casey Thompson" that we mentioned yesterday gave us pause. But nah. Even we're not that suspicious.

Anyway, Fan Club!, do let us know when the meetings at the club house take place, and we'll bring the French toast!

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Lia Bardeen Explores the Complexity of Franks 'n' Beans Firsthand

Amuse-Biatch Bisexual Tuesday?

Sandee, possum, we looked at your hands (not that we were examining your finger-length ratio), and trust us, we know exactly how you feel. If we were sitting that close to Lia Bardeen, our hands would be itching too. Who would dare blame you? That pose, that sultry, almost half-lidded look, the gnocchi-soft lips, the gently sloping bazooms--er, pardon us while we take a moment to remind ourselves that we're gay.

But guess what, Sandee, possum? You might just have a chance with Lia after all.

Which brings us to the placement of the question mark in the headline. We have no doubt--no serious doubt, at any rate--that today is Tuesday. The bisexual bit, however, is something else altogether, but we figured the question mark would look odd anywhere else.

Our grammatical quandary is the result of two anonymous comments left by Amuse-Biatch readers suggesting that when Lia is looking to poach something in olive oil, she might favor both shrimp and scallops:

Just to comment, I've known Lia for a while. She used to have a girlfriend...[S]he was dating, and living, with the girl. She was never a shy bookish little girl. She has, and wears, black lingerie with garters and all. Curly or straight, blonde or brunette, she is, or at least was, a dangerous sexpot.

and

Well, I suppose it could be something made up, but it isn't. She just broke up with her girlfriend and moved out less than a year ago. They had dated for years...She's dating a boy now, there by [sic] making her entire family of lesbians (sister, mother) I suppose somewhat sad.

Again, we stress that these are anonymous and entirely unsubstantiated rumors, and that we are not presenting them as true, but to us they are nonetheless thrilling, titillating, and delightful. We adored literature major Lia when we thought she merely read Sarah Waters novels; now that it is possible she lives them as well, we positively worship her. If it's true, Lia, possum, welcome to the club.

If nothing else, we take this opportunity to respond to another Amuse-Biatch reader, who pleaded with us, "More pictures of Lia please..."

Well, possum, never let it be said that we are unresponsive to our readers, and since you did say please, here's what we were able to dredge up:

Amuse-Biatch Presents the Tastiest Dish Casey Thompson Has Ever Created

Possums, forget the French toast that won her the Quickfire Challenge. This is Casey Thompson's winning dish. Indeed, it is she, and not Joey Paulino, who has a future in tarts. And we can think of no higher compliment.

We always had a soft spot for Lia Bardeen because she worked for Jean-Georges Vongerichten, studied literature in college, and wanted to be a literature professor. That's just about our definition of the perfect woman. Well, if we liked women in that way. (Nigella Lawson and Little Debbie, she of the Oatmeal Creme Pies, are also perfect women as far as we're concerned).

And yet, not since Dorothy Malone let down her hair in the bookstore in front of Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep had we seen such a va-vavoom transformation of an adorable bluestocking into a full-throttle vamp.

And we owe it all to Casey, who became Lia's bazoom buddy during the show. Before Casey of the Bad Highlights and the Push-up Bra got ahold of her, Lia had the perhaps fraught relationship with her appearance that you would expect of a Literature or Women's Studies major: as she mentioned in an interview, "my hair was always changing - I loved dyeing it and cutting it in crazy ways. I shaved my head when I was a junior and pierced my nose."

Imagine, then, the clarity of vision that came when, as Lia confessed, Casey "taught [her] to blow-dry [her] hair straight."

And just look at the results. You blow-dry a woman's hair straight, you make her look good for a day. You teach a woman how to blow-dry her own hair straight, you make her look good for a lifetime. Bless you, Sister Casey. Thy good works shall indeed be remembered.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Casey Thompson and Lia Bardeen Are Bazoom Buddies