Monday, August 06, 2007

Jowly Green Giant Wins Frozen-Food Challenge (Natch), Comes Out as One of the Ungay (Snatch)

Possums, the Ungay--they walk among us.

We learned this from our pal Lesley at Eater LA, who in turn learned it during her exclusive interview with the Jowly Green Giant, CJ Jacobson:

You mentioned that a friend told you someone in a chat room asked if you're gay. They actually said, "So is this tall drink of water gay?"

Those fuckers. I almost have a problem being too ungay.

"Oh no he di'in't," we thought to ourselves.

"Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of an insecure man," said Miss XaXa, snapping her fingers in her best RuPaul.

Well, actually, we were confused more than outraged by his statement, so much so that we tried to diagram the sentence on the back of an envelope, just the way Mrs. McDougal taught us when we were wee bairns, new to this country and learning the lingo. All to no avail.

As we have mentioned before, CJ has the most peculiar and interesting syntax and vocabulary, well worthy of study if representative of SoCal surfers and volleyball players, something along the lines of, "The Crawfish Fell Awry: A Study of Fricatives and Metaphors Among the Tribes of Palos Verdes."

But this statement is just a masterpiece. We start with "ungay," and figure he must mean "straight," and then "too"--too straight? Is that possible? And then he has a problem with being too straight? Does that mean being too straight, whatever that means, gets him into trouble? Or does it mean that he has difficulty being too straight? Oh, but wait, there's another modifier. He almost has a problem. So does that mean he is too straight, but doesn't have a problem? It's enough to make Wittgenstein (who was gay) weep and say, "Told you so."

"Please stop; my head hurts," pleaded Miss XaXa. She gets worried when she sees that gleam in our eye, a worry that was not dispelled when we argued that CJ's statement is actually a publicist's goldmine, and that he ought to license it for use by high-profile Hollywood actors, so that when anyone goes asking questions of, oh, say, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Wentworth Miller, or Jake Gyllenhaal, they can all say, "I almost have a problem being too ungay." It's genius, chloroform in verbal form.

We turned for enlightenment and analgesia to

1. Ungay

(or Un-gay) Heterosexual

Don't trust him, after all he's one of the ungay!

2. Ungay

(Pronoun, adj.) equivalent to the words "undead" and "zombie", however, used to describe a zombie which is gay. Also may be used to define a homosexual who has crossed over to the straight world. The word originated one late night at a Dennys in San Diego, 2002, during a topic about independent zombie films.

This town has been overrun by the Ungay! They rose from their graves and started humping everybody!

3. Ungay

To make less gay.
To make straight.

That remake of Straight Up by Halifax is way better than the original. It's ungayed

4. Ungay

an action taken by people to try to correct their previous sentences from sounding gay or gayish. often ends up in no avail.
(usually implied in instant messages and chatrooms)

(C and E are guys)
C : why didn't you bring your phone, at least the vibrations will wke you up.
C : *realises and begins process of ungay-ing. oh shit, i mean the vibration in your pocket when you receive messages
E: wtf?

Ok, so CJ's not gay. He's a zombie. Well, that clears things up.

Then we remembered CJ's exchange with Howie on the last episode, where Howie looked like even more of a "douche" (another favorite terms of the PalosVerdians) because he, like, didn't get that, like, OC good ole boy CJ was, like, being sarcastic.

"Well, maybe he was joking," we said to Miss XaXa. "Perhaps we ought to give him the benefit of the doubt."

"As long as we know that we don't want Don't Ask, Don't Tell turning into Don't Ask the Tall."

OK, CJ, so you got the benefit of the doubt. But just in case, the Feather Boa Brigade and the Glitter Squadron are on standby and ready to attack the Beanstalk and the Magic Beans. Ok, Magic Bean.


frogboots said...

maybe he means....that he secretly wants to fulfill my fantasies by participating in a MMF threeway, except - he's too straight to really enjoy the additional male!


his butch-ness is intimidating? is that what he means?

oh cj, honey. what a thing to say!

Giulia said...

I would have trouble placing the sexual orientation of a 7-foot-tall, self-proclaimed "ungay" man named, of all things, CJ... I mean, shouldn't the intials have stopped in about the 7th Grade? Or around the time of puberty? Didn't we all have an annoyingly bouncy, ditzy, barbie-like classmate with blonde pigtails who insisted on everyone calling her "CJ" or "DJ" or something of the sort???

trixie said...

"ungay my heart ... oooh ... "

eric3000 said...

I was completely unfamiliar with this zombie-related term. I feel so out of touch.

Anonymous said...

I thought CJ's major issue was that he was too unshort...