Friday, August 03, 2007

What Would Gong Li Do: Hung Huynh and the Curse of the Overcooked Durum Flour

As you know, possums, we had high hopes for self-professed asshole Hung Huynh as the show's Great Gay Villain, subsequently downgraded (upgraded?) to Bisexual Villain, and then to merely Villain. Desirous of abetting his career in villainy, and hoping to have material for our blog, we counseled him to emulate the great Gong Li. All to no avail.

Following Wednesday's episode, we received an exclusive letter from Gong Li (which we wrote and sent to ourselves), asking us to cease and desist from devaluing her "brand" of sneering, heaving-breasted, Max Factor-caked villainy. Here is the relevant portion:

In my last film to be released in the U.S., Curse of the Golden Flower, I was the Empress of China and: (1) slept with my stepson; (2) had my stepson's mistress, who just happened to be his half-sister, exiled; (3) brought about my stepson's death; (4) wore corsets and long, gold fingernails; (5) made underlings quake and grovel in terror merely by waiving those fingernails; (6) survived poisoning; (7) conspired with my son; (8) raised an army of 100,000 soldiers for whom I personally embroidered gold-thread chrysanthemums for their uniforms; and (8) plotted and executed a coup d'etat against the Emperor, my husband.

What did Hung do? He (1) lost the "Culinary Bee" because he was too stupid to taste the ingredient he was supposed to identify; (2) cooked boring, mushy pasta; and (3) couldn't discipline that fat Italian boy who cried like a little girl. No tantrums, no bitchy comments, no incredulous delusions that his dish was both properly cooked and tasty. Nada (as I said when I played a Chinese-Cuban in Miami Vice).

And this is the poster-boy for Anything That Moves? This is my spiritual heir among culinary reality-tv contestants? I don't think so.

Hung is what you Americans call a pussy, and I could Individually Quick Freeze him just by looking at him. Please do not use my name again in connection with him until he is worthy of it.


hughman said...

i agree, hung has NOTHING on gong li do. curse of the pansy is about it. hugn would probably overcook her herbal tea.

don't you love it when they all sweep down the hallways?

eric3000 said...

Gong Li is quite right; not only was she poisoned, but she continued to drink the tea even though she KNEW it was poisoned; Hung would never have the balls to do that!

existentialove said...

you guys are hysterical! i LOVE gong li and curse of the golden flower! even though she is outraged, see to it that she writes to you again!