The 12 Days of Bitchmas -- Day Seven: Food Network Once Again Blinded by Big Tits, British Accent

No, possums, we are most definitely not talking about Nigella Lawson, who, were we so "oriented," would be the ideal woman for us--well, except for that whole business about marrying Charles Saatchi.

But we digress.

We are, naturally, referring to Robert Irvine, who's been dropped like a hot potato from his gig on the telly. It's old news by now, of course, but we try as much as we can to have as little as possible to do with Food NOTwork, so we're only getting around to it now. (Ah, Food NOTwork: big tits and an accent, and they'll offer you a show. Yes, we mean you, Ingrid Hoffmann.)

We have ghastly memories of Christmastime last year, when, whilst channel-surfing, we came across Paula Deen in another of her Tennessee Williams moments, hanging lasciviously off Irvine's biceps while participating in the Food NOTwork holiday special. 'Twas very Rose Tattoo of her. Her libido was practically palpable onscreen, and a whole lot of palpating she did, too. Indeed, Paula did everything short of bringing out the nipple clamps for him. It was train-wreck television that made us ask ourselves, Is Paula Deen a small-town Southern gay man trapped in a former agoraphobe's body?

But, again, we digress.

So Robert Irvine lied, lied, lied about being a knight, and having a castle, and working on Princess Diana's wedding cake, and so many more things. And now that Food NOTwork has gotten rid of him, what will Paula Deen do the next time she, er, gets a hot flash in the pan?

Bonus Game:

Possums, take a gander at the photo and have a little fun with the semiotics, ironies and implications of a heavily muscled man holding a Rubirosa pepper mill.

"Are you talking about small privates?" asked Miss XaXa.

"No, darling. Chef Irvine was in the Navy. I don't think they've got privates, just sailors, and no matter what the Village People say, sailors and privates don't fraternize."

Bonus Footage: We tried to find footage of the holiday special, but couldn't. Still, even this clip from another show will give you a taste of what we mean.