Chicago Gains Another Skyscraper, L.A. Gets Another Douche

Our pal Lesley of Eater LA got it straight from the ungay mouth of the 6'8", one-balled Jolly Green Giant himself: CJ Jacobson is moving to Chicago to help the very gay and two-balled Dale Levitski open up his restaurant, Town and Country.

And because L.A doesn't have enough to worry about with earthquakes, wildfires, and paparazzi, Ilan Hall is moving out here to open a tapas bar on wheels, or a "tapas truck." Forget about the historico-cultural implications of a city ruled by taco trucks, the creole food, being invaded by a tapas truck, fruit of the imperialist colonizers. Instead, ask yourselves, possums, is justice even possible in L.A. when the bacon-wrapped hot dog is illegal, but Ilan Hall's "tapas truck" might be allowed? Somebody call James Ellroy before Ilan rewrites this into L.A. Confideontial. *


*If you still remember that Ilan's dish of fideos from the romantic-dinner-in-Santa-Barbara challenge is still Padma Lakshmi's favorite Top Chef dish of all time, we urge you to step away from the Bravo and get some help.