Tuesday, March 03, 2009

“Top Chef” Shocker! The Untold Story of On-Set Ursine Cannibalism!

There are times, possums, when we cannot see the bear for the fur.

Come to think of it, there are also times when we can’t see a darn thing at all because our eyeballs are so riveted by the Gail Simmons poitrine. (And yes, we feel very guilty indeed to be constantly objectifying such an intelligent and accomplished woman, but what can we do, other than to ask Christian Bale’s stepmother to indulge and forgive us?)

At any rate, this was one such occasion of blindness, and, as is so often the case, it took another woman to open our eyes, none other than our beloved Ms. Dorothy Snarker, the eagle-eyed, martini-wielding hostess of the All-Gals-In Pink-Triangular Table:

Watching the video above, we had not been able to see past les bazooms de Gail, and we had missed the most important thing of all, which La Snarker brought to our attention and provided photographic evidence for: Ursus Major Tom Colicchio eats bears!

We have not been so shocked since learning—spoiler alert!—that Soylent Green is people. Oh Tom Colicchio, how could you?

“There’s always room for Gummi Bears,” you say, a phrase that is sure to haunt the dreams of cubs across America. Perhaps a turn as spokesman for Gummi Bears is in order once the Diet Coke campaign is done? (Come to think of it, isn’t it fitting that Colicchio’s shilling for Diet Coke and choice of Hosea Rosenberg as Top Chef should have come at roughly the same time? After all, as Miss XaXa put, Hosea is the Diet Coke of Top Chefs—bland, a poor substitute for the real thing, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.)


Anonymous said...

I'm so relieved that someone else feels that way about Diet Coke; I was seriously starting to think I was the only one.

release_in_extremity said...

i think people are forgetting that hosea actually did quite well on a lot of the challenges. and you know who else did very well on top chef? ilan. sure we talk about what a fool he is, but i re-watched top chef 2 last spring, and ilan performed very strongly most of the time, with the main exception being the chocolate covered liver pastry for eric ripert. people seem to get ideas of what the contestants are like, and who is "deserving" without considering that good cooking, even if it's not the very best cooking, gets one far in the competition.

Anonymous said...

"Ilan performed very strongly most of the time." Don't you mean Mario Batali's dishes performed very strongly most of the time?

Anonymous said...

OK, does anyone know where Gail had her wedding reception in NYC. I know now that DB catered it, and the photo on the reunion show was in LIC, but I highly doubt she had reception. Her wedding photographer is based in LIC, so I assume that they were in LIC for photos/view of NYC and then went to their location somehwere else. the place on the river near the 59th street bridge where she took photos, "river something..." We looked there, and that place is TICKY TACKY!!!

bonnie said...

There's something else, called the elbow factor.
Watch the first clip without sound.

Watch how Padma uses her right elbow.

It's never down at her side, but always up in the air to keep a certain personality at elbow's length.