“Top Chef” Shocker! The Untold Story of On-Set Ursine Cannibalism!

There are times, possums, when we cannot see the bear for the fur.

Come to think of it, there are also times when we can’t see a darn thing at all because our eyeballs are so riveted by the Gail Simmons poitrine. (And yes, we feel very guilty indeed to be constantly objectifying such an intelligent and accomplished woman, but what can we do, other than to ask Christian Bale’s stepmother to indulge and forgive us?)

At any rate, this was one such occasion of blindness, and, as is so often the case, it took another woman to open our eyes, none other than our beloved Ms. Dorothy Snarker, the eagle-eyed, martini-wielding hostess of the All-Gals-In Pink-Triangular Table:



Watching the video above, we had not been able to see past les bazooms de Gail, and we had missed the most important thing of all, which La Snarker brought to our attention and provided photographic evidence for: Ursus Major Tom Colicchio eats bears!

We have not been so shocked since learning—spoiler alert!—that Soylent Green is people. Oh Tom Colicchio, how could you?

“There’s always room for Gummi Bears,” you say, a phrase that is sure to haunt the dreams of cubs across America. Perhaps a turn as spokesman for Gummi Bears is in order once the Diet Coke campaign is done? (Come to think of it, isn’t it fitting that Colicchio’s shilling for Diet Coke and choice of Hosea Rosenberg as Top Chef should have come at roughly the same time? After all, as Miss XaXa put, Hosea is the Diet Coke of Top Chefs—bland, a poor substitute for the real thing, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.)

Bear Baiting: A Defensive Tom Colicchio Says He’d Give Hosea the Win All Over Again

Well, possums, if there’s one thing we learnt from reading National Geographic and watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom as a child, it is that you must never, ever, ever attack a bear, for bears wax exceedingly wroth and their wrath is fearsome to behold.

How much more true, then, is this for the Ursus Major himself.

In response to the firestorm that has erupted on the Internet over Hosea Rosenberg’s being awarded the title of “Top Chef,” Tom Colicchio called People Magazine—exclusively!—to give the irate a piece of his mind:

“If I had to do it all over again, reading what I’m reading, I’d still say Hosea wins. He made a better meal….We don’t care about personalities. We don’t care about who was making out. We simply care about who put together a better meal from start to finish.”

First of all, the teddy doth protest too much. As mentioned in this video, he does care who was hooking up with whom. But that’s an unimportant point.

This is the bit that is interesting to us:

Plus, he adds, the judges only consider the output from that night’s challenge – never relying on past performances or outside factors.

“I come to Judges’ Table with an idea of who I think should win based on what the challenge was – not based on who I think the best chef is,” he says.

We find it curious because on his Bravo blog, Toby Young has a quibble with that “never”:

I asked Tom at the outset whether the same rule applied to judging the finale as it did to all the other challenges, namely, that we had to disregard everything the chefs had done before and judge them entirely on their performance that day. He said it did, but with one caveat: if we whittled the finalists down to two, and there was nothing to choose between them, we could bring in their past performances as a tie-breaker.

As far as I was concerned, that was exactly the situation in last night’s episode — and, for that reason, we ought to give it to Stefan, who clearly performed better over the course of the season than Hosea. My argument went like this: Stefan and Hosea tied the appetizer and the first course; Stefan won the second; and Hosea won the third. So that was one win each, deadlock.

It’s a frightening day in our little corner of the Snarkshire Moors when we find ourselves thinking that Toby Young makes a cogent, lucid, persuasive argument, but end times appear to be upon us.

But take a look at Tom’s statement again. It seems implicitly to concede that he doesn’t think Hosea is the best chef, and that is the most revealing thing of all. That, we suspect, is what lies at the heart of the “popular revolt” on the blogosphere, a very American sense that the principles of meritocracy have been violated, and that the winner, no matter what the title says, is most decidedly not Top Chef.

New York City Girds Its Loins in Preparation for Tonight's Arrival of Tomzilla

Or should that be King Tom?

You know, possums, if we were any good at Photoshop, or if Bravo had found someone wittier, you’d be looking at an image of Tom Colicchio astride the Empire State Building, a scantily clad Padma (not much of a stretch, that) held tightly in one huge paw.

As it is, you can practically hear the screams of terror and relief from the people in that little yellow cab as they flee Manhattan to escape the marrow-freezing smirk on that oversized bear, and his unflattering and mismatched outfit.

And so, eight months to the day after the premiere of Top Chef: Chicago, we will finally see what it’s like when the Top Chef chicken comes home to roost.

“Teddy Bear” Tom Colicchio Believes in Speaking Softly and Carrying a Big Stick

We suppose it shouldn't be a surprise that when asked by the Rocky Mountain News, "If you could prepare a meal for any president in history, who would it be? And what would you serve?," Ursus Major Tom Colicchio should have picked the original Teddy Bear, Theodore Roosevelt.

As Colicchio puts it, "He was such a great outdoorsman, and . . . the dinner conversation would just be amazing. I could see where he would eat for four to five hours nonstop and it would just be a great night." He would have served Teddy a meal based on game--no mention of bear meat--and truffles.

All well and good and delicious, but somehow--without, of course, any evidence--we had always figured Tom Colicchio for a Democrat.

Tom Colicchio Turns 46; Feliz Cumpleaños, Papi Bear

Spoiler Alert? Tom Colicchio Goes on “Today Show” as Part of Season 5 Challenge

Well, possums, when you go on national television--and alongside Kathie Lee Gifford, no less--it can hardly be called a spoiler, but if you’re of the sort who wants to remain unsullied, read no further (though, really, if you were the sort who wanted to remain pure and unsullied in the first place, you probably wouldn’t be reading a blog called Amuse-Biatch, would you?).

So, as you must know by now, Season 5 is being filmed en ce moment in New York City and its environs. (We had heard rumors about New Orleans being the chosen site, and had winced in anticipation of Quickfire Challenges such as “Cook Breakfast in a FEMA Trailer!” Or perhaps we’re too cynical; given what happened with Chicago, perhaps they would never have left the French Quarter during the filming. At any rate, we’re relieved it’s the Big Apple rather than the Big Easy this time around.)

And the Ursus Major himself, Mr. Tom “Padre Padrone” Colicchio, went this morning charmingly to disport himself with what passes for the salon des précieuses these days—Meredith Vieira, Natalie Morales, Hoda Kotb, and Kathie Lee Gifford. The video is here, but because those lovely folks at MSN won’t allow us to embed the video, we’ve resorted to screencaps and a little transcription. Bear in mind, though, we’re not court reporters, so we may have missed a word here or there.

The segment begins and Meredith Vieira announces, “This morning we put 13 chefs to the test of making a meal for us. We’re going to taste some of them and pick our favorite.” [Hint, Meredith: Go for the fat ones first; they taste better.]

So assuming the season began with 15 or 16 cheftestants, this tells us that two or three have already been eliminated. Meredith then brings on His Royal Bearness.

Pardon us for a moment while we let him bashfully beam.


















So, Tom says, “We’re shooting in New York, so New York’s a great background. The chefs are all seasoned pros, and so far the competition’s pretty stiff.”

In other words, the usual shtick, except that, surprisingly, no talk this time of how this season’s contestants are the strongest yet, etc., etc. Hmmmm. God, this always feels like Kremlinology.

Tom again: “Their assignment was to prepare and demonstrate a dish that they would make if they were on the Today Show. And we have 13 chefs; they all did a two-and-a-half minute demonstration, and we are pretty much deadlocked. So we narrowed it down to three. You’re going to make the decision.”

Why, it’s like that new Kevin Costner movie about voting, except that maybe the Today Show women are like the Electoral College, or maybe the Supremes (in both senses of the word). And by the way, don’t that sound aaawf’lly like Next Food Network Star? We sense a gradual convergence.

Tom yet again: “Whoever wins the challenge, on December when this episode airs, will come on and make their dish on the Today Show.”

What did we tell you? Perhaps Top Chef will decamp for Food Network much as Project Runway went to Lifetime. Also, this lets us know that Season 5, now officially called Top Chef: New York, will begin airing in November, or perhaps early December.

So, on to the dishes.

Tom: “This is a tomato, watermelon, feta cheese salad…with basil oil and balsamic vinegar.”

We learn Meredith Vieira does not eat watermelon because it makes her sick.

Tom: “The next one is a sautéed shrimp cabbage roll, and it’s also made with roasted peppers and walnuts. There’s a spice in there, which is sumac.”
















Kathie Lee Gifford, after putting a roll in her mouth: “I can’t stand that. Can I do something with this? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for the person who made this.” She goes to the sink, spits it out in a paper towel and throws it away.

Bitch.

Tom: “The next one is seared tuna with asparagus, and roasted carrots and a little balsamic glaze.”

Natalie Morales can’t eat it because she’s pregnant.

“We all have our issues, don’t we?” asks a seemingly un-self-aware Kathie Lee Gifford (yes, it’s redundant, we know).

“Not Hoda, though,” Kathie Lee adds, “she’ll eat anything.”

Hoda shows admirable restraint in not knifing her right then and there.

The, er, ladies then confer, and render their verdict:

Tom Colicchio Responds to Scallopgate

Possums, earlier this morning we received an email from the Ursus Major himself, Tom Colicchio, regarding our post about the now-infamous frozen scallops. The subject line was “scallopgate.”

With Colicchio’s permission, we are running the email in its entirety and without any editing, so that you, possums, may have the benefit of his side of the story:

Tom Colicchio here. In my blog on bravotv.com I stated that the scallops were in the kitchen because the were provided by Allen Brothers.

Allen brothers sponsored the challenge, and all of the Allen brothers products were placed in the kitchen by the culinary producer.

This statement does not contradict Rick's [Tramonto] assertion that the producers put the scallops in the kitchen.

I hope this clears things up.
tc