Monday, June 08, 2009

Top Chef: Masters and Margaritaville

Possums, it is with the sanity of bloggers as with Roquefort cheese—it’s a goodly spell in a nice, dark cave that does the trick.

In our case, you have only to imagine the salutary effects of 90-odd (and 90 odd) days with nary a thought about His Bearness or, um, Her Highness. Week upon glorious week neither knowing nor caring about Padma’s apartment, her burger commercial, or her wearing of silk charmeuse without a bra on noticeably cold nights at public events.

Day upon day unfolding without ever having to hear the phrase “throw under the bus,” or ponder the ominous portent of scallops, or come up with ursine metaphors, or decipher the semiotics of fauxhawks and t-shirts obviously chosen to attract attention.

Night upon night of sleep undisturbed by dark dreams of Bravo conspiracies bearing the suffix “-gate.” Rien de rien, possums.

By the end, we had very nearly returned to our customary, half-human state.

And then it occurred.

Suckling at the teat of cable television one afternoon, we landed on an oh-so-alliterative Food Network show titled Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, hosted by preposterously peroxided putz Guy Fieri. Normally, we are as allergic to him as he is to long trousers and intellectual depth. Indeed, chez Amuse-Biatch the show is referred to as Douchebag, Dipshit, and Dumbass. This time, though, we cocked our head and said aloud to ourselves, “You know, he’s kind of charming.”

The Patsy Stone-like scream from Miss XaXa was blood-curdling. We cannot say whether it was “No, Eddie, nooooo!” or “No, Charlus, nooooo!” we heard before we lost consciousness. It was not sal volatile or booze that brought us round, but, rather, Miss XaXa’s perfectly manicured nails digging into our neck as she dragged us by the scruff to where our laptop lay in desuetude. “That’s it!” she kept saying, “Vacation over! It’s time!”

So, yes, possums, we are back to the venom, vim, and vitriol of the internet, and we will be blogging the bejeezus out of Top Chef: Masters. The show premieres Wednesday, June 10, at 10 p.m.


Anonymous said...

I just saw something regarding Top Chef: Masters, and thought, "hmmmm... I'd better hop on over to Amuse-Biatch and see if Charlus & Miss XaXa are there."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a Guy Fieri pic and a new post, my dear!

Yee-haw! Possum hibernation season is OVER! Bring it ON, luvs!

Your loyal Possum96819

Anonymous said...

ditto, yay!

JP said...

Yay! Welcome back, oh Highnesses of Snark!

Arm70 said...

Thank GOD. I have been missing the hell out of you.

eggplant said...

Huzzah! The long dark night is over. You're back, and so is a show I actually want to watch on Bravo.

Rebeca said...

I love the Balmain rocket studded blazer, the Maje Kiev silk cropped pants, the Christian Louboutin striped ankle boots, the Stella McCartney silk charmeuse top, the Stella McCartney black stovepipe jeans, the Alexander Wang wrapped platform boots,the Alexander McQueen tulle dress and skull clutch, the Miu Miu goat fur coat AND the Fendi platform mary janes!!!!