Every Little Thing That He Says or Does: Bravo "Hung Up" on Christopher Ciccone?

Well, possums it seems we have another Papal "bull" on our hands.

When Madonna's apparently excommunicated brother, Christopher Ciccone (nicknamed "The Pope" by Her Madgesty) appeared as an uncredited diner in high camp and high dudgeon (though, really, it was more low dudgeon than anything; Addison DeWitt and Waldo Lydecker might have sniffed, "Here today, Ciccone tomorrow," in justifiable “Après nous, le déluge” recognition), Page Six was atwitter.

We didn't mention the Page Six twitterings because, suitably enough, they were the twitterings of twits, stating, as they did, that Top Chef was filmed at "Miami eatery The Garage." As if it were a real restaurant, rather than a dusty, empty space that a megalomaniacal bisexual and an olfactorily challenged homo had tried to turn into the vanilla-scented anteroom of a gay bath house. How could we trust anyone who didn't even know that much?

For guidance, Page Six turned to Madonna's biggest fan in the entire gay world, Raggaydy Andy Cohen, who said unto them, "All will be revealed soon," an appropriately kabbalistic, quasi-apocalyptic pronouncement that seems to presage both nudity and knowledge, the breaking of the seventh seal with the dropping of the seventh veil.

And today Raggaydy Andy comes to drop another veil:

Christopher Ciccone's quick, uncredited cameo on last week's "Top Chef" generated a lot of buzz, including mentions on Page 6 last week and this morning. As the Post reports today, Christopher is back tonight. I can tell you that he's not a guest judge - and not a random diner. Watch What Happens on an episode that I would consider a shocker.

Well, well. Still, we hope that, contrary to the twitterings, Ciccone's not getting a show on Bravo. Jeff Lewis on Flipping Out is all the KrazyGay, StereotypicalGay, and MeanGay Bravo needs (good luck getting a GLAAD Award on that one!).

TedIlan: Reality Without Pity

Great unholy Doppelgängers, possums!

Last season, the great Keckler of Television Without Pity nicknamed Ilan Hall "TedIlan" for his resemblance to, you guessed it, Ted Allen.

However, no one has ever really had any trouble telling the two apart. Or so we thought.

Imagine our surprise when we came across a report about Ted Allen attending the birthday party of Manhattan club impresario Noah Tepperberg. The "article" breathlessly reported that "[e]ven reality TV was in attendance and stopped for the flashbulbs as a handful of America's Next Top Model contestants and Ted Allen from Top Chef paraded by."

Ted Allen a fame-whore who consorts with Tyra's castoffs? Hardly seemed likely.

Imagine our relief, and our repulsion on Ted Allen's behalf, when the photographs revealed that it was Ilan Hall that the "reporter" was talking about. Ilan Hall a fame-whore who consorts with Tyra's castoffs? Totally believable. But oh the indignity of having all the photos captioned "Ted Allen."

So what else is Ilan doing with his time and adjudged Top Chef title? According to one person on Marcel Vigneron's MySpace page:

I was in Whole Foods, on the Lower East Side, in Manhattan where I live and Ilan was there, and he knocked over a whole sample tray, it flew in the air and cause a spectacle! It was really funny!

But surely impressive feats such as attending nightclub impresarios' birthday parties and knocking over sample trays at Whole Foods don't take up all of Ilan's time?

No, indeed. He also celebrates family birthdays, as faithful Amuse-Biatch reader Jessica related to us in what we hope will inaugurate a "Biatch on the Street" feature, where you, possums, our huddled masses yearning to be snarky, send in your sightings of cheftestants and judges alike.

Jessica writes:

My boyfriend Tim and I were in New York City for vacation..., and, being the rabid Top Chef fans that we are, we chose to spend some serious dough on a dinner at Craftsteak in the hopes of, if not catching a glimpse of Tom Colicchio, at least tasting his food...While exiting the restaurant, [Ilan Hall] and his party stopped to speak to some of the restaurant employees who were stationed behind us...We shook hands and Ilan sat down for the photo. He seemed enormously pleased to have been recognized and to be treated like a celebrity. [You don't say!--Ed.] We posed for the camera, he jokingly asked to share some of our table's complimentary paté, and then he had to be off to celebrate his sister's birthday...As for the sides of Ilan's head,...they were shaved into a kind of striped pattern. Horizontal lines - maybe two or three of them on each side....