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You poor, poor man.You really got shafted, didn't ya?Really, to be a big boy and to be stuck with a name like Hefter. It's awful when you think about it. Sort of like Rachael Ray plugging Heifer International. Worthy but...unfortunate.And then to get stuck as guest judge on the episode where the tears and f-bombs flew. We feel for you. You got barely a passing mention. No acknowledgment that you're the genius behind the renaissance of Spago while Wolfgang Puck is off gallivanting around, cultivating his Austrian accent, tending to his Oscar catering, and getting his face on frozen food packaging. Your tasting menus are legendary, and as Jonathan Gold noted last week in the LA Weekly, your influence is all over Puck's latest, the haute steakhouse Cut. And still that mixologist lady in the Quickfire Challenge, the one with the bazooms, got a bigger build-up (if not a bigger build) than you.And then to be fodder for all sorts of Tom Colicchio MaxiMe/ MiniMe/ Replicant/ Doppelganger jokes. It's terrible.All we can offer in the way of advice is this: Think about a two-button jacket; the deeper V is infinitely more slimming. (We confess that we are grateful for, and relieved by, your example, and that of Tom Colicchio and Domenico Dolce; we now know that when we turn 40 we must shave our head and start wearing jeans with a black two-button jacket; it's so comforting to know one's future.) Oh, and another way to look slimmer. Don't stand next to a scrawny bitch in a mustard-colored dress.
We swear we don't subscribe to OK! Magazine.
It just so happens that Miss XaXa nicked one from the hair salon, and we were delighted to find in its glossy, large-format pages an interview with the Clydesdale Horse of the Apocalypse, none other than our beloved multimillionaire-woman-done-wrong-by-hubby-who-loves-paying-women-to-spit-on-him, Ms. Rachael Ray. As part of the holiday spirit, as our gift to you, Amuse-Biatch hereby presents the choicest bits from the OK! interview. It's our way of giving you all the liquor-filled chocolates in the Whitman's Sampler box. That's how much we like you, Gentle Readers. Our comments are in brackets, in bold, and in red.
Q: Do you have a dream gift?
A: I don't want anything. I love it when my dog, Isaboo, gets a new chew toy. My family always gives me animals through the Heifer [International] organization. It's a charity where you buy tractors or animals like geese, ducks, goats or cows for villages around the world. I'll get some more barnyard animals I'm sure.
After Rachael admits that she was a cheerleader in high school, OK! comes back with the hard-hitting questions:Q: Did you keep your pom-poms?
A: No, I didn't keep any of it.
[We beg to differ. Her pompoms look, per Lindsay Lohan, quite "adequite."]Q: Your husband must be disappointed!
A: Actually, John doesn't groove on any of that stuff. [Apparently he just grooves on being spit on by possible lesbians.] On our honeymoon, I put on a
Cosabella nightie and he said, "What the hell are you wearing? Go put on your pajamas."
[We just don't have the heart to make a joke; it's Christmas, people, give us a break.]
