Dispiriting News: Rocco Does the Rumba

Oh possums, somewhere in his babyproofed lair, Anthony Bourdain is having a very good laugh this morning. Yes, indeed.

Confirming not only that he has accepted his fall from three-starred grace into the muck and filth of "has-being" but also that he is positively rolling around in that same muck, our little Rocco DiSpirito has now picked up his tight(er) trousers and dance shoes to join Dancing with the Has-Beens, er, Stars.

His illustrious companions in this dance marathon straight out of They Shoot Has-Beens, Don't They? include Kim Kardashian, Ted McGinley and Lance Bass. (There had been talk that they might allow Lance to trip the light fantastic with a male partner--wouldn't Rocco have been ideal?--but it appears that is not the case.) On the plus side, Susan Lucci will also be on. Aging Star Collapse Watch begins in 28 days. ("Oh please," says Miss XaXa. "Susan Lucci would never pull a Marie Osmond. Ever.")

Update: Fat Lance Bass No Longer Nameless or Fat; Amuse-Biatch Sends Apologies to Aaron Sorkin for Not Giving a Rat's Ass About "Studio 60"

Our thanks to reader Patricia, who earned another pair of wings for a blogger-cherub by correctly identifying the nameless fat Lance Bass on last week's Top Chef episode as Nate Torrence, an actor currently appearing on Aaron Sorkin's oft-mocked, ailing, unbeloved Saturday Night Live-derivative reprocessed byproduct and Matthew Perry comeback vehicle Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

And our apologies to Nate for calling him fat. IMDB says he appeared as himself on E!'s "101 Incredible Celebrity Slimdowns." And since E! can nE!vE!r to be wrong, our eyes must have deceived us, the blinding retinal after-image of that orange shirt concealing his true, incredibly slimmed down celebrityness. (By the way, is this the same diet that Best Week Ever's Christian Finnegan went on?)

Breaking News: Fat Lance Bass Identified!

We complained last week that the "red carpet," "celebrity-studded," "holiday party" featured on the "holiday episode" of Top Chef featured no actual celebrities on the red carpet.

We did mention a chap in a retina-searing orange shirt whom we referred to as fat Lance Bass. A reader has written in to inform us that, actually, it's the chap from the David Spade-starring (hey, he's gotta pay for Heather Locklear's steak dinners somehow) Capitol One television commercials, you know the one, the squealing, homoerotically-tortured, fat Lance Bass lookalike.

Thank you, Gentle Reader, for the info. In the absence of a picture, a screen cap, or a name for Fat Lance Bass from Capitol One, we have posted a picture of a non-fat, but still squealing and homoerotically-tortured Lance Bass, with ex-Air-Force-captain-cum-coattail-ahem-rider Reichen Lehmkuhl (pronounced "Lameculo" in Spanish-speaking countries). Help us out if you want the real thing on here.