Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Michael "Beer Bong" Midgley on Marcel Vigneron: "Pot" Meets Kettle

On the most recent episode of "Top Chef," we were distracted whenever Michael "Beer Bong" Midgley talked to the camera.

Mind you, it wasn't just his orange gingham shirt that distracted us, though it did make us think that in order for Beer Bong to wear that shirt, somewhere in Stockton, California, a diner was making do without curtains, or an Osterizer blender was shivering without its cozy atop someone's kitchen counter.

No, we were particularly distracted by his hair, which we had never seen so curly. We thought it unlikely that he had overindulged in the Jhirmack, and we were puzzled. And then it came to us in a flash.

Beer Bong's hair was extra curly after he was struck by lightning following this comment he made about Marcel Vigneron:

"He's, like, confused. He's 26 but sometimes I think he's, like, 16."

Yes, that's right, the 28-year-old "man" who sleeps with his "wife's" improbably small blue thong, who wasted his Elimination Challenge budget on beer, and who presented a Cheeto-and-Snickers phallus as a dish, is accusing Marcel of being juvenile and adolescent. Frankly, we're surprised the lightning bolt didn't fry him to a crisp.

We also had a good laugh when Beer Bong told the camera that he thought he would fit in linguistically with the surfers because "everyone always tells [him he] talk[s] like a surfer." Beer Bong, pet, though you're clearly the Socrates of Stockton, you may not have run across the term "euphemism" before. Basically, it's just means finding a nice way of saying something not so nice. It's not something we practice very often, but we recognize it when we see it. So when everyone tells you that you talk like a surfer, they don't really mean that. They mean that you talk like a stoner. See? Euphemism.

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