Adam's Spare Rib: Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday Counters All the Bear Talk with a Honey, Er, Pot

Padma Lakshmi Re-Animated!

She talks at normal speed! She giggles! She wears dark lipstick! She's Padma, and you'd better watch out, because this time, she's speaking softly and carrying a big curling iron.

"Best Week Ever" Kettle Calling Padma Lakshmi Pothead

Possums, we had quite the coughing fit (from the smoke, bien sûr) when we read a shocking allegation about Padma on the Best Week Ever blog. Selon the BWE kidders' exclusive!:

According to a source who worked on the set of Top Chef, the ex-model turned trophy wife turned hostess Padma Lakshmi allegedly enjoys smoking pot on set, giving a whole new meaning to the term “Quickfire Challenge” — see, cause she’s allegedly lighting up a joint instead of a stove! Anyway. Exactly how often this happened is disputed, though we were assured it was allegedly “fairly regularly.”

We're shocked, possums, shocked. We knew she had said "No!" to fashion sense, and we thought she had also said "No!" to drugs. Miss XaXa wonders, "Is this why Michael "Beer Bong" Midgley stayed on the show so long?"

Michael "Beer Bong" Midgley on Marcel Vigneron: "Pot" Meets Kettle

On the most recent episode of "Top Chef," we were distracted whenever Michael "Beer Bong" Midgley talked to the camera.

Mind you, it wasn't just his orange gingham shirt that distracted us, though it did make us think that in order for Beer Bong to wear that shirt, somewhere in Stockton, California, a diner was making do without curtains, or an Osterizer blender was shivering without its cozy atop someone's kitchen counter.

No, we were particularly distracted by his hair, which we had never seen so curly. We thought it unlikely that he had overindulged in the Jhirmack, and we were puzzled. And then it came to us in a flash.

Beer Bong's hair was extra curly after he was struck by lightning following this comment he made about Marcel Vigneron:

"He's, like, confused. He's 26 but sometimes I think he's, like, 16."

Yes, that's right, the 28-year-old "man" who sleeps with his "wife's" improbably small blue thong, who wasted his Elimination Challenge budget on beer, and who presented a Cheeto-and-Snickers phallus as a dish, is accusing Marcel of being juvenile and adolescent. Frankly, we're surprised the lightning bolt didn't fry him to a crisp.

We also had a good laugh when Beer Bong told the camera that he thought he would fit in linguistically with the surfers because "everyone always tells [him he] talk[s] like a surfer." Beer Bong, pet, though you're clearly the Socrates of Stockton, you may not have run across the term "euphemism" before. Basically, it's just means finding a nice way of saying something not so nice. It's not something we practice very often, but we recognize it when we see it. So when everyone tells you that you talk like a surfer, they don't really mean that. They mean that you talk like a stoner. See? Euphemism.