Completely Heterosexual, South Beach-Bound Ilan Hall Proves That Pink Shoelaces and White Louis Vuitton Don't Make You Gay

Oh, possums, there are times when, sitting in our dank basements, we shake with a palsy of envy and rage, and this is one of them. Our boy Ilan Hall was spotted en route to heterosexual mecca South Beach spotting pink shoelaces, a white (!) Louis Vuitton belt with a candy-colored (!) logo, a Louis Vuitton duffel bag, and a white Patek Philippe watch encrusted with close to 50 diamonds and valued at over $10,000. All of this while we basement-dwellers must gnaw on raw turnips and try to forget our agoraphobia by trying to knock down the blessed. Oh, H.G. Wells, where art thou?

Actually, we have a more pressing question: Is the Louis Vuitton bag the same one The New York Observer spotted last week, and which Ilan tried to pass off as a Gucci, or is there a Gucci bag in addition to the Louis Vuitton? Inquiring gay minds (and Marc Jacobs) want to know.

Elia Aboumrad: “Niña Fresa” Brings Home the Bacon

Our Elia Aboumrad, the most “niña fresa”* of all, has finally provided Raggaydy Andy with the recipe for her much-lauded strawberry hors d'oeuvre from last week's holiday episode.
In the interest of service journalism, and due to a lack of new episodes and material, we shamelessly reproduce the recipe below, albeit in a more phonetically accurate version and with a few interpolations of our own in brackets:

ELIA'S STRAWBERRIES**

200g of heavy cream
80g of mascarpone cheese
30g of honey
10g of rosemary
Chopped [b]acon

You weep*** the hevee creem and then incorporate the rest of thee ingreedients with a weesk [wheech you are neverr souposed to leeck], chop the rosemaree and add eet at thee end.

Then, weeth a piping bag, squeeze over strawberries that you have previoslee cot in huff and spreenkle on top a leettol beet of chopped creespee bacon.****

*The literal translation of this in Spanish is “strawberry girl,” but it is Mexican slang for a girl from a wealthy background, with all that that implies.

**We're shocked at so prosaic, and so potentially naughty, a name; Strawberries à la mode du Pedregal de San Angel, or Fraises “Niña Fresa” seem more appropriate as potential names for the dish.

***Did anyone else catch the immortal exchange between Stewie Griffin and Brian on Sunday night about whether that white stuff that people occasionally put atop pie slices should be pronounced "Cool Wip" or "Cool Who-ip"?

****We thought the recipe originally called for pancetta (delightfully rendered in Elia's accent), and we know it's not quite the same thing as bacon, so what gives?