Amuse-Biatch: Lioness

Friday, December 19, 2008

It’s a Hanukkah Miracle! Gail Simmons a Member of the Tribe!

Mazel tov, oh fortunate Jews of the world! Behold the Lioness of the tribe of Judah!

Of course it ought not have been a surprise that radiant, lissome, buxom, leonine, McGill summa cum laude graduate Gail Simmons should be the most alluring literary Jewess since the Biblical Esther, Rebecca in Walter Scott’s Ivanhoe and Rachel in Marcel Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past. Still, it’s nice to know.

It should have been Gail judging the Top Chef holiday episode (Michelle Bernstein is simply not an adequate replacement); on the other hand, given what an abomination the episode turned out to be, it was probably for the best that Gail not be tainted by it.

So, we didn’t get Gail in the holiday episode, but now we get to watch her make latkes, courtesy of WPIX. Enjoy, possums.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: The Most Beloved Lioness Since Elsa in “Born Free” Retires Temporarily from the Reality-Television Serengeti

Yes, possums, it’s true. As Gail Simmons herself confirmed on her Bravo blog, “I will not appear on the next several episodes, as I took a break from taping after that fabulous evening to finish planning my wedding and finally get married….I will be back for the finale.”

And to top it all off, she is being replaced by someone Private Eye Magazine described as looking like “peeled quail’s egg dipped in celery salt.”

What are we to do, possums? What are we to do?

We suppose these photos of The Lioness will have to tide us over until the finale.

As a bonus, have a look at the trailer for Elsa the Lioness’ movie, Born Free. In the trailer you can hear what is one of our favorite lines in the history of cinema, a question that these photos of Gail inspire us to ponder: “You don’t believe that man-eating is an inherited trait, do you?”