Bravo's Big Picture: The Birdcage

Except that, as Miss XaXa pointed out, with Tom Colicchio and Norman Van Aken in the picture, it ought to be called The Bear Cage.










"Well," we reminded Miss XaXa, "Lady Rushdie does seem to have a thing for bears."

Did somebody say bears?










"Forget The Bear Cage. With these two, bear pit is more like it."

"Well, Bravo's Big Picture has been The Untouchables of late. Maybe we ought to call these two The Unbearables."

"Considering that tonight's the hot tub episode," said Miss XaXa, "I sure hope they're called the Unbare-ables. There are some things I just don't need to see, and floating manboobs are on that list."

"You don't have to worry," we reassured Miss XaXa. "It looks like Casey's bazooms are the ones doing all the floating."

And then, being constitutionally incapable of leaving well enough alone, we went a pun too far. "With Sandee, and Padma, and Tom and Joey and Howie, couldn't we call this episode, Lesbian and Tamil and Bears, Oh My?"

Miss XaXa did not deign to respond.

First Reaction: 'Cue the Violins for the Last of the Fauxhawkians

“Two puns in one headline? Isn’t that a little much?” asked Miss XaXa.

We stared at our nails. Yes, it’s true, possums, our favorite martial-arts-practicing, slogan-teeshirt-wearing, magazine-editing lesbian, Sandee Birdsong, was, in the lexicon of the game, pykagged last night.

“Besides,” Miss XaXa continued, “it isn’t even true. She’s not the last one with a fauxhawk; there’s still Dale.”

But of course. Who could forget Dale Levitski? Well, apparently, just about everyone. As we said to Miss XaXa, “If he were a superhero, he’d be the Invisible Gay.” He was hardly to be seen in this episode, but perhaps that’s just as well, as attention seemed to be an unwelcome thing last night.

The Quickfire Challenge—to use Florida citrus—was judged by Chef Norman Van Aken, who, fittingly enough, was the very definition of “acid,” and perhaps also “florid.” Micah, who is not a morning person (though Lord, is she ever a mourning person), made it into a bottom three with a dish of baby spew, er, pardon us, “avocado soup,” along with torch-wielding petal-pusher Sandee, and confused, carapaced, veiny shrimp Sarah Nguyen (really, though, we’re not the ones calling her a shrimp; it was CJ, who envied her for being 5’3”). And it was CJ who, despite spilling his citrusy seed upon the dish, was in the top three, along with Hung and Tre. Ultimately, it was Hung, huffin’ and puffin’ his way to villainy, who came out on top and earned immunity, if not camp status.

The Elimination Challenge was to cook “upscale barbecue” for Lee Schrager, founder of the South Beach Wine & Food Festival and, according to the South Florida Business Journal, the spokesman for “Southern Wine & Spirits, the nation’s largest alcohol distributor.” No wonder he has access to champagne and, by extension, women, as Hung admiringly points out. (We reiterate: you don’t have to be gay to be a Gay Villain. And really, how convincing was Hung anyway?)

Which brings us to our main problem with the upscale barbecue: where was the upscale? 14 small grills on a strip of mangy lawn by a canal does not upscale make. As Tom Colicchio himself put it, which is the greater sin, no barbecue or not upscale?

This question, along with other, more pressing ones, will be answered in a proper episode recap coming this weekend.