Despite Their Differences, Padma Lakshmi and Anthony Bourdain United by Their Love of Booze and Crystal (and Publicity)

Swarovski crystal, bien sûr, possums, as we learnt in a press release from Moët & Chandon (not that filthy Korbel stuff they product-place down cheftestants’ gullets on Top Chef).

Sure, Bourdain may not have a lot of respect for Padma’s intellectual abilities, but they both seem to agree on the wisdom of publicity. As the saying goes, either of them would show up to the opening of an envelope.

In this case, Moët & Chandon is launching a gimmick—“previously only available to A-list celebrities and VIPs” (like Padma and Bourdain?!?)—whereby poor saps, who no doubt need the job, will place a 14-character personalized message on a bottle of champagne, using Swarovski crystals and for a tidy sum. Och, the genius of it! Just what everyone needs in this economy! The website considerately allows you to preview your own labels, and here is the one we have chosen (and to be clear, we also made the one above):

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Pops Her Cork, Demonstrates How to Make a Bellini

First Reaction: 'Cue the Violins for the Last of the Fauxhawkians

“Two puns in one headline? Isn’t that a little much?” asked Miss XaXa.

We stared at our nails. Yes, it’s true, possums, our favorite martial-arts-practicing, slogan-teeshirt-wearing, magazine-editing lesbian, Sandee Birdsong, was, in the lexicon of the game, pykagged last night.

“Besides,” Miss XaXa continued, “it isn’t even true. She’s not the last one with a fauxhawk; there’s still Dale.”

But of course. Who could forget Dale Levitski? Well, apparently, just about everyone. As we said to Miss XaXa, “If he were a superhero, he’d be the Invisible Gay.” He was hardly to be seen in this episode, but perhaps that’s just as well, as attention seemed to be an unwelcome thing last night.

The Quickfire Challenge—to use Florida citrus—was judged by Chef Norman Van Aken, who, fittingly enough, was the very definition of “acid,” and perhaps also “florid.” Micah, who is not a morning person (though Lord, is she ever a mourning person), made it into a bottom three with a dish of baby spew, er, pardon us, “avocado soup,” along with torch-wielding petal-pusher Sandee, and confused, carapaced, veiny shrimp Sarah Nguyen (really, though, we’re not the ones calling her a shrimp; it was CJ, who envied her for being 5’3”). And it was CJ who, despite spilling his citrusy seed upon the dish, was in the top three, along with Hung and Tre. Ultimately, it was Hung, huffin’ and puffin’ his way to villainy, who came out on top and earned immunity, if not camp status.

The Elimination Challenge was to cook “upscale barbecue” for Lee Schrager, founder of the South Beach Wine & Food Festival and, according to the South Florida Business Journal, the spokesman for “Southern Wine & Spirits, the nation’s largest alcohol distributor.” No wonder he has access to champagne and, by extension, women, as Hung admiringly points out. (We reiterate: you don’t have to be gay to be a Gay Villain. And really, how convincing was Hung anyway?)

Which brings us to our main problem with the upscale barbecue: where was the upscale? 14 small grills on a strip of mangy lawn by a canal does not upscale make. As Tom Colicchio himself put it, which is the greater sin, no barbecue or not upscale?

This question, along with other, more pressing ones, will be answered in a proper episode recap coming this weekend.