Fauxhawked amfAR TwinkleGay: Fabio Viviani Will Flirt with Anything That Moves; Stefan Richter, However, Appears to Have a “No Fats or Fems” Policy

We find it hard to believe, possums, that we had to wait until the season’s sixth episode of Top Chef before we saw a fauxhawk.

It came courtesy of amfAR employee Barry Brown, whose post on the Natasha Richardson-hosted reception we were delighted to find.

The post served only to augment our distrust of the Bravo editors, for—what do you know?—Barry, like Cheyenne Jackson, is another gay who doesn’t, um, like seafood (duh), but who nonetheless liked Jamie Lauren’s scallop dish. It’s a conspiracy, we tell ya. F’agcuse!

Most interesting of all, Barry had these tidbits to share:

“…Fabio's real talent lies in schmoozing people. He likes to flirt...[sic] with boys and girls. And that's probably how he does well in life. The food? Merely adequate.”

Oh possum, even E.M. Forster could have told you that.

Stefan’s chicken pot pie was a “[v]ery creative use of his inspiration. Too bad he didn't seem like he wanted to talk to me at all when I was tasting his dish. I obviously wasn't important enough. It just turned me off. His food was good. But again, it was nothing special. I could have made that at home and it would have been just as good.”

Meow!

We must say that we’re a little surprised. After all, we have the photo of Stefan kissing Danny Gagnon, who’s both a fat and a “phlegm.”

So, what’s the lesson to be learned, possums? Never piss off a gay in a red velvet jacket (especially Santa).

Amuse-Biatch Über-Homosexual Thursday: New Scallopgate Gets the Hung Jury It Deserves (So Sayeth Nathan Lane)

Scallopgate Redux: On Behalf of Cheyenne Jackson, a Framed Jamie Lauren, the Gays, and Honest People in General, Amuse-Biatch Cries, “Bullshit!”

Ok, now we’re just angry.

As any faithful viewer of Top Chef (including, and especially, cheftestants) ought to know by now, scallops are the devil’s playground, an ingredient fraught with peril and the sweet but briny foretaste of doom. And so, on some level, our girl Jamie Lauren ought to know, and ought to have known, better.

Still, what Bravo’s editors have done amounts to prosecutorial misconduct.

In building their case against the scallop dish Jamie made for the Seven Swans A-Swimming component of the skull-numbingly numbskull “12 Days of Christmas” Elimination Challenge, the editors showed 6’4”, blue-eyes-and-calves-of-death gay grointhrob (much better than heartthrob) Cheyenne Jackson saying, “I just tried the Seven Swans A-Swimming. A little too slimy.” Case closed; bring in the guilty verdict.

And yet, on the “bonus footage” on Bravo’s website we get to see Cheyenne’s complete statement, which we are transcribing just in case the video mysteriously disappears (it starts at the 30-seconds-remaining mark): “I just tried the Seven Swans A-Swimming, um, and it was good, surprisingly. I’m not usually a scallops person. A little too slimy.”


See how that works? So Cheyenne Jackson doesn’t usually like scallops because they are a little too slimy, but Jamie’s scallops were good and not slimy (and, let us not forget, Miss Martha Stewart herself raved about Jamie’s earlier-in-the-episode scallop dish).

So, you wanna talk about a little too slimy? Talk about Bravo.