Drugs & Pies: What Is Bravo Trying to Tell Us with This Season's Theme?

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Asks You How You Like Them Apples

Amuse-Biatch Programming Note: The Formation of Team Rainbow

The video clearly demonstrates that, as usual in the gay community, it was the lesbians doing the organizing while the twinks were off somewhere procuring booze or making coffee for scary-looking tops with German accents.

Bravo wasted no time in trying to capitalize on Team Rainbow (somebody in marketing give Jamie Lauren a job, stat) with t-shirts. In response, and overcome by a bout of civic-mindedness, the Gals have offered a host of brilliant marketing suggestions to Bravo. And now we have put our nonexistent Photoshop skills to the test to join our voices with theirs, but this time to address ourselves to NBC itself. NBC, like all the broadcast networks, is in desperate need of a hit. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is no more, and Heroes is on life support. So why not take synergy to the next level and greenlight Team Rainbow as a midseason replacement? Picture it: a trio of gays with super powers who travel back in time to prevent disasters such as the passing of Proposition 8 in California, Michelle Obama’s Election Night dress, and Madonna’s discovery of Kabbalah.

STARRING:

















(Although, for obvious reasons, My Little Pony hairbrush not included with action figure).

Think about it, NBC. Save the male cheerleader, save the world. (Oh, and need we mention that Richard Sweeney was, in fact, a male cheerleader).

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: The Chip on Eugene Villiatora's Shoulder About Culinary School Grows Too Heavy for Shoulder, Needs Its Own Cooler

Anthony Bourdain: Padma Lakshmi Unfit to Host “Top Chef,” Much Less Be the New Secretary of State

Possums, why is this man laughing?

Well, now we know why, and are certain he won't be back on Top Chef.

According to the Miami New Times, professional provocateur Anthony Bourdain had less than kind words to say about our Padma, finding her the hostess with the leastest:

"...Bourdain said he was a huge fan of host and fellow chef Tom Colicchio but snubbed co-host...Padma Lakshmi. Jabbing at the beauty’s intelligence, he said she wouldn’t be his first choice for Barack Obama’s cabinet...[sic]or to host a show."

Welcome to Miami, bienvenido a Meow-mi.

Amuse-Biatch Spelling Bee-atch: By GeorgeS, Bravo Has Done It Again!

Well, possums, they can't seem to get it right.

Last season, when they only had Jean-Georges Vongerichten's pastry chef on, they misspelled his name as "Jean Gorges" (besides misspelling the pastry chef's name). And now that they have the man himself--who is repeatedly lauded as one of the greatest chefs in the country--on as a guest judge, they've done it again. Tsk, tsk, Bravo. What happened to living up to the exacting standards of New York?

For First Meeting of Fabian Society, Amuse-Biatch Presents Gratuitous and Suggestive Images of Thick-Accented Italian with Bodice-Ripper Name

Photographic Evidence Clears Thick-Accented European of Anti-Americanism Charges Made by Thick-Accented Nativist with Mispronounced Foreign Surname

Possums, as even The New York Times has noted, there was a whiff of anti-European sentiment in this first episode the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the days of freedom fries. It’s like Gangs of New York all over again.

Here is our attempt at a phonetic transcription of the charges that brought this controversy to a simmer:

Fawbio and Stefawn, they think Americans are lowah than them, just by theah personality and what they say, I don’t understand the Amereecan tawk, you know. I’m like, Listen, braow, you’re in my backyahd. Fawbio and Stefawn can open theah mouths as much as they want. It’s just going to make them look unprofessional and immachoh.

These charges of anti-Americanism were made by Mayflower descendant John Smith—er, make that one Daniel Gagnon (hard “g,” if you please; wouldn’t want people to think it was a French or furrin last name).

Let us leave aside the fact that when the American talk comes from the mouth of Monsieur Gagnon, we don’t understand it either. Let us also leave aside the fact that “Fawbio” [Fabio Viviani] is married to an American woman, and lives in the Republican bastion of Ventura County, California, where his restaurant is located a skip and a hop from the site of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and the Rodney King verdict.

And we can afford to leave these things aside because we have incontrovertible proof that Monsieur Gagnon’s accusations of anti-Americanism on the part of Signore Viviani are baseless. To wit:



















How could anyone who so clearly enjoys dressing up as Wonder Woman even be suspected of anti-Americanism? What could be more American than Wonder Woman (or tattooing what looks like a dollar sign over one's heart)?

Well, how about Catwoman?
















In light of this overwhelming evidence, we demand that Monsieur Gagnon withdraw these groundless accusations immediately. For shame, Monsieur, for shame! After all, lest you forget, the title of this episode is “Melting Pot,” which we took to be a cultural allusion—unless, of course, it refers to Padma’s favorite, um, dish. So, Monsieur Gagnon, in the immortal words of the similarly Gallic-named En Vogue, freedom-fry your mind, and the rest will follow.

Amuse-Biatch Possum Queery: Is Jamie Lauren a Lipstick Lesbian or a Lip Gloss Lesbian?

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Fruit Fly Unsuccessfully Attacks Fruit