Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: The Most Beloved Lioness Since Elsa in “Born Free” Retires Temporarily from the Reality-Television Serengeti

Yes, possums, it’s true. As Gail Simmons herself confirmed on her Bravo blog, “I will not appear on the next several episodes, as I took a break from taping after that fabulous evening to finish planning my wedding and finally get married….I will be back for the finale.”

And to top it all off, she is being replaced by someone Private Eye Magazine described as looking like “peeled quail’s egg dipped in celery salt.”

What are we to do, possums? What are we to do?

We suppose these photos of The Lioness will have to tide us over until the finale.

As a bonus, have a look at the trailer for Elsa the Lioness’ movie, Born Free. In the trailer you can hear what is one of our favorite lines in the history of cinema, a question that these photos of Gail inspire us to ponder: “You don’t believe that man-eating is an inherited trait, do you?”

The Heterosexual Woman’s Long National Nightmare Is Over: Sam Talbot Puts a Thumb-Ring On It

Well, possums, while the heterosexual women of America may have wept blue-cheese-and-watermelon tears, we were relieved to read the news that Colombian arepa Paola Guerrero has finally made an honest man out of Sam “Not That Guy” Talbot.

We remembered the time after the engagement was announced this past summer, when a “hell hath no fury,” bedroom-farce fecal storm erupted in the comments section chez nos potes at Eater, ended up on Page Six, and led a little bird to send us pics of a, um, little Talbot bird (tattoos are such handy identifiers). The whole thing reminded us of this ad for the Chanel men’s fragrance Égoïste, except without the Prokofiev score, and with more naked photos emailed to pun-named blogs.

And so, if this marriage at least means an end to all such tsuris, then we are all for it. Good luck to everyone involved.

Preview: Padma Lakshmi Extends, Ahem, a “One-Pot” Challenge

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Padma Lakshmi Pretends She Doesn’t Know How to Roll Her Own

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Danny Gagnon Waves Goodbye as the Short Bus Pulls Away

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: A Suet Pudding with a Merkin

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: That’s a “Rad” Lemur

Confidential to Stefan Richter: It’s “Top Chef,” Not “Project Runway” (Though Michael Kors Would Certainly Say the Crotch on Those Pants Is “Insane” )

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Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Danny Gagnon Triumphantly Displays the Results of His IQ Test