From the Depths of the Savanna, a Message to the Possums

We ought to have known, of course, sensing, as we did, a disturbance in the Force. Still, we didn’t fully understand the state of things until we heard Miss XaXa’s dulcet but Vincent-Price-ominous tones (or is it C. Aubrey Smith filtered through Texas bonhomie?) warning us, “The possums are getting restless.”

Possums, possums, possums, you ought to know by now that we live only to saunter onto the reality-tv savanna in order to bring down the sick and the lame for you to feast on. Given our less than wholesome psyche, it makes us happy in a way that few things can, and it displeases us to no end to have to disappoint you.

But as we all know, possums, no one, not even us, can afford to take gainful employment for granted In These Troubled Times. We have been travelling for work all week in regions where the pink-particled beam of Bravo’s signal doth not penetrate, and have consequently not yet seen this week’s episode. But we are set to return to the realm of the Bravo-accoutered cable box this weekend, and will watch the episode forthwith and bring you its bloodied carcass. It’s a promise, possums, from our heartless hearts.

After Being Whole-Fried and Turned into Tacos by the Judges, Eugene Villiatora and Melissa Harrison Are Sent to Sleep with the Fishes

Amuse Biatch Heterosexual (?) Monday: Eartha Kitt Was an Awfully Good Girl, RIP

Possums, Charlus is understandably in seclusion and it was fitting for me to pay tribute to my namesake, Our Lady of the XaXa Heels, the ever fashionably "late," Ms.Eartha.Fucking.Kitt. Long may she reign in a sable lined Heaven...

Amuse-Biatch Mascot Brings You Season’s Greetings

Well, possums, we’ll be off for a couple of days, sharpening and tempering our claws in a fire fed by Yule logs, lost illusions and curdled bonhomie, i.e., just what’s needed to do justice to last week’s holiday episode.

À bientôt, hasta luego, and catch y’all real soon, possums.

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: José Feliciano May Be Blind, But Even He Can See That Jarocha Salma Hayek Is Wishing Us, “¡Feliz Navidad!”

Colicchio Plans to Take It Easy in '09

Fauxhawked amfAR TwinkleGay: Fabio Viviani Will Flirt with Anything That Moves; Stefan Richter, However, Appears to Have a “No Fats or Fems” Policy

We find it hard to believe, possums, that we had to wait until the season’s sixth episode of Top Chef before we saw a fauxhawk.

It came courtesy of amfAR employee Barry Brown, whose post on the Natasha Richardson-hosted reception we were delighted to find.

The post served only to augment our distrust of the Bravo editors, for—what do you know?—Barry, like Cheyenne Jackson, is another gay who doesn’t, um, like seafood (duh), but who nonetheless liked Jamie Lauren’s scallop dish. It’s a conspiracy, we tell ya. F’agcuse!

Most interesting of all, Barry had these tidbits to share:

“…Fabio's real talent lies in schmoozing people. He likes to flirt...[sic] with boys and girls. And that's probably how he does well in life. The food? Merely adequate.”

Oh possum, even E.M. Forster could have told you that.

Stefan’s chicken pot pie was a “[v]ery creative use of his inspiration. Too bad he didn't seem like he wanted to talk to me at all when I was tasting his dish. I obviously wasn't important enough. It just turned me off. His food was good. But again, it was nothing special. I could have made that at home and it would have been just as good.”

Meow!

We must say that we’re a little surprised. After all, we have the photo of Stefan kissing Danny Gagnon, who’s both a fat and a “phlegm.”

So, what’s the lesson to be learned, possums? Never piss off a gay in a red velvet jacket (especially Santa).

It’s a Hanukkah Miracle! Gail Simmons a Member of the Tribe!

Mazel tov, oh fortunate Jews of the world! Behold the Lioness of the tribe of Judah!

Of course it ought not have been a surprise that radiant, lissome, buxom, leonine, McGill summa cum laude graduate Gail Simmons should be the most alluring literary Jewess since the Biblical Esther, Rebecca in Walter Scott’s Ivanhoe and Rachel in Marcel Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past. Still, it’s nice to know.

It should have been Gail judging the Top Chef holiday episode (Michelle Bernstein is simply not an adequate replacement); on the other hand, given what an abomination the episode turned out to be, it was probably for the best that Gail not be tainted by it.

So, we didn’t get Gail in the holiday episode, but now we get to watch her make latkes, courtesy of WPIX. Enjoy, possums.

Amuse-Biatch Über-Homosexual Thursday: New Scallopgate Gets the Hung Jury It Deserves (So Sayeth Nathan Lane)

Scallopgate Redux: On Behalf of Cheyenne Jackson, a Framed Jamie Lauren, the Gays, and Honest People in General, Amuse-Biatch Cries, “Bullshit!”

Ok, now we’re just angry.

As any faithful viewer of Top Chef (including, and especially, cheftestants) ought to know by now, scallops are the devil’s playground, an ingredient fraught with peril and the sweet but briny foretaste of doom. And so, on some level, our girl Jamie Lauren ought to know, and ought to have known, better.

Still, what Bravo’s editors have done amounts to prosecutorial misconduct.

In building their case against the scallop dish Jamie made for the Seven Swans A-Swimming component of the skull-numbingly numbskull “12 Days of Christmas” Elimination Challenge, the editors showed 6’4”, blue-eyes-and-calves-of-death gay grointhrob (much better than heartthrob) Cheyenne Jackson saying, “I just tried the Seven Swans A-Swimming. A little too slimy.” Case closed; bring in the guilty verdict.

And yet, on the “bonus footage” on Bravo’s website we get to see Cheyenne’s complete statement, which we are transcribing just in case the video mysteriously disappears (it starts at the 30-seconds-remaining mark): “I just tried the Seven Swans A-Swimming, um, and it was good, surprisingly. I’m not usually a scallops person. A little too slimy.”


See how that works? So Cheyenne Jackson doesn’t usually like scallops because they are a little too slimy, but Jamie’s scallops were good and not slimy (and, let us not forget, Miss Martha Stewart herself raved about Jamie’s earlier-in-the-episode scallop dish).

So, you wanna talk about a little too slimy? Talk about Bravo.